Looking for feedback on this intro. It is part of a collection of three shorts.
Felina was uncomfortable. This fancy office seemed a universe away from her tiny cube, where her and other families of the yeast factory lived. The polished executive in front of her also made her uneasy. Her husband had told her about lenses that enabled the wearer to see through their closed eyelids. It still unerved her, talking to the stately executive. “This isn’t like the old days where stories were typed on word processors that could be edited. It cost a million credits for every fifteen seconds I plug a reporter into the MindLink. Your Son isn’t trained to manage his memories.” The executive told her, looking at her through tatooed eyelids. “But what my son witnessed… well there hasn’t been a murder since before my mother was born” Felina’s tone was desperate.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I am sorry about the duplication. I have fingerlaunch on my laptop. Kathleen Could you please delete?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Felina was uncomfortable. This fancy office seemed a universe away from her tiny cube, where her and other families of the yeast factory lived. The polished executive in front of her also made her uneasy. Her husband had told her about lenses that enabled the wearer to see through their closed eyelids.This sentence comes out of nowhere, at this point. You haven't set us up to know what she's talking about. I need more of a visual here--what is the executive doing? It still unerved unnerved her, talking to the stately executive. I think you could really trim this section and say the same thing in fewer words, and give us a little more information. You've already told us twice that she's uncomfortable/ uneasy, and that this executive is both polished and stately. But I still don't know why she's there, or any specifics about what she's experienced. I'm guessing the executive is sitting there with his eyes closed, but I don't even know that for sure. “This isn’t like the old days where stories were typed on word processors that could be edited. It cost costs a million credits for every fifteen seconds I plug a reporter into the MindLink. Your Son why is this capitalized?isn’t trained to manage his memories.” The memories," the... executive told her, looking at her through tatooed tattooed eyelids. “But what my son witnessed… well there hasn’t been a murder since before my mother was born period ” Felina’s tone was desperate. Better, I think, to try to make us feel her desperation through her earlier thoughts, actions, and dialogue, rather than to simply tell us this now.
I'm not quite pulled in by this. While the set up is mildly intriguing, there wasn't quite enough here to hook me. I'm not really getting her desperation. It seems in the opening scene that she's just called there to talk to her boss about a raise or something.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 11, 2008).]
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
It does seem a little disconnected at this point: in paragraph one there is a mention of these lenses that enable the user to see through closed eyelids. Paragraph two we are told about this strange "managing memories" thing. And then in paragraph three we are told that we are in a world where murders no longer occur.
All of these might well be connected, but at the moment it doesn't seem to flow as well as it might. For me, the story seems to really begin with that last line, I'd like to see it start there and then you can really plunge us into Felina's sense of desperation, all the rest could be slowly included into the story later on when they become more relevant.