Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Mr Mechanical (wip)

This is topic Mr Mechanical (wip) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

quote:
Esmeralda is in her glass box. Her pale face is a spider-web of cracking paint and her black hair is tangled with strands of white dust. A purple blanket with a scattering of tarot cards and mouse droppings hides her mechanical lower-half. I hear a faint clockwork tapping from her wooden shell.
A heart beat.
I had a dream last night where I accidentally knocked her cage over and blood, dark as chocolate and reeking of ammonia, drained from her crushed skull in heavy coagulated gulps. The shattered glass tore into her mechanical arm cutting it down to strips of red and purple flesh that fell on the marble floor with wet slaps.
The buffalo nickel in my hand is almost a century old. I bet

First Person / Present Tense is my most comfortable writing. Not saying I'm good at it, just that it is what comes easiest for me.

I've decided to take the crits from my last handful of short stories and start over with a new piece. As I go I'm trying to focus on the areas that critters have previously outlined as my weak spots.

What is your opinions of this? Can you tell what is going on?

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited February 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 28, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I find it well written and intriguing. I would read on. I like the symbol of the buffalo nickel and its reference to dating the piece. The descriptions are well done, but not overdone. You write well in the 1st.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

'...heavy coagulated gulps...'. Gulps? Not sure. I would prefer something more reminiscent of blood draining e.g. rivulets etc.

Otherwise good job.(and I don't like 1st, present--so extra points!)

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I found it captivating, I would read on.

This might be corny, but the scene reminds me a bit of the movie BIG. You know, that one with Tom Hanks and he goes to see that fortune teller machine thingy. But this is darker. Ha!
Nice writing

Posted by Jo1day (Member # 7800) on :

Intriguing beginning. I would definitely turn the page.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I love the first three sentences. The only thing I found a little odd is that even though it is first person, you don't know that until the fourth sentence, so when I read "I hear..." it interrupted the flow (for me). Similarly, after "A heart beat." which to me is very immediate, you switch right away to past tense. I found this a little disorienting.

Let me know if/when you want readers.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I thought this was great. I would definitely read on. I love the edgy style.

My interpretation is that he's about to drop his coin into Esmeralda to get his fortune read.

I wasn't quite sure what "A heart beat" referred to. Is he interpreting the clockwork as a heartbeat, or does he hear something else as a heartbeat?

I didn't like the switch to past tense in the second paragraph. It's grammatically correct and all, but I felt as if I'd slipped out of the story. Even something as simple as "I remember I had a dream" or "in my dream last night i..."

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Hey great, I'm glad it makes sense.

Thanks for the heads up on the present/past with the dream sequence annepin and Jon, I'll try and flow those better. Probably do what annepin suggests with the "I had a dream last night..."

I'll keep working on it.

Awesome, thanks everyone!

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

quote:
First Person / Present Tense is my most comfortable writing.

But it's not what most readers are most comfortable reading. Something, perhaps, to consider.

Besides, present tense doesn't really make sense in a story where anything happens. For present actions, we use present progressive. ("ing" ending) Can you imagine someone getting a phone call and saying, "Can I call you back? I cook." No, it would be "I'm cooking." Straight present tense is for current state or condition. "I am sick," or "I go to archery practice every Sunday." As a result, it gives stories a timeless feel, rather than an immediate feel. Something else to consider.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

PS to the above:

From what I see of this story, it is possible that a timeless, dreamlike feel is exactly what you'd like to achieve. If that's the case, then present tense might be the perfect vehicle, as long as the story's not too long. (After a while, an odd tense just gets ignored, anyway--or rather, gets translated into past. Kind of the like, when you watch a movie in a language you don't speak that has subtitles, and then remember it later, you remember it as if the people actually spoke the dialogue in English.)

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

quote:
But it's not what most readers are most comfortable reading. Something, perhaps, to consider.

Oh yeah, I agree. However I've decided to focus on what I'm most comfortable with then gradually move back to more accepted forms of writing. This may hurt my chances with readers/getting published but I feel it is the best way, at the moment, to explore my writing.