I drifted near her in the genesis vat and basked in her mind talk. None of the other protos could sense mind talk, not even her—I’d checked--but she was different from the rest. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me.
There was a splash—a sound much larger than any proto’s tail could make. My body tingled with fear and I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to depths, my heart hammering. The last time Catcher found me it punched enhancement shards through my fetal skull and the memory of the pain was still fresh. With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider. It was Guider that spoke to me now.
“Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.”
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 01, 2008).]
"The last time Catcher found me it punched enhancement shards through my fetal skull..."
This is awkward at best. Who or what is "it"? Do you mean Catcher? - "The last time Catcher found me enhancement shards punched through my..."
"It was Guider who spoke to me now." Feels like a confusion in tense. "Guider spoke to me." or somthing similiar.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 01, 2008).]
I drifted near her in the genesis vat and basked in her mind talk. None of the other protos could sense mind talk, not even her—I’d checked--but she was different from the rest. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me.
There was a splash—a sound much larger than any proto’s tail could make. My body tingled with fear and I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to the depths, my heart hammering. The memory of Catcher firing enhancement shards into my fetal skull was still painfully fresh. With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider.
Guider spoke,“Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.”
As I escaped through the darkness, I saw a flash of silver close behind.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 02, 2008).]
quote:
I drifted near her in the genesis vat cliche and basked in her mind talk what is mind talk? How do you bask in it? How about where I could hear her thoughts cuts the confusion down. None of the other protos could sense mind talk again with the mind talk, >not even her—I’d checked--< cut all of this but she was different >from the rest< and this too. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me. how sweet
There was a splash—a sound >much< cut larger than any proto’s tail [is this what he is? This is unclear and confusing[/b]could make. >My body tingled with fear and< this telling and not showing I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to the depths, my heart >hammering< this puts me in the mind set of pounding a nail. It doesn't work for me. The memory of Catcher firing enhancement shards into my fetal skull was still painfully fresh. sounds like an excessively violent way to treat a fetus. Why would they torture the unborn like this? With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider.
Guider spoke,“Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.”
As I escaped through the darkness, I saw a flash of silver close behind sounds like a bullet, and why is he in darkness now? Wouldn't a vat either have light or not? Where do these shadows come from.
I can't get a feeling of what you are trying to do here. Usually your 13 lines give me an idea on what your world is about. This is as cloudy as your 'genesis vat'.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 02, 2008).]
One thing that tripped me up was the "escaping through the darkness" at the end. Our main proto had already fled to the depths when he realized Catcher was there, so this seems repetitive, to have him fleeing twice.
The splashing kind of slowed me down. Maybe you could say "There was a loud splash, louder than any proto's tail could make."
I'm not a pro with the use of dashes, but they seem overused here. I don't have any particular solution, though, but I did want to mention that I noticed them.
But good job in generating interest - It's a good hook for me.
In the previous openings, I've assumed the beings in the vat were humans, perhaps human clones being force-grown into maturity or something. Because of "proto’s tail" in this opening, I'm now assuming that they are immature fish or amphibians that are somehow (through enhancement shards) being given human-level thinking ability. I'd keep reading (i.e. you have me hooked). But if the story later reveals they really are human progeny, I'd be jerked out of the story and probably not bother to continue (I'll explain why if it's relevant).
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]
My biggest gritch on this one is the withholding. It seems like you are holding back too much. A bit of mystery is okay. I can wait for explainations of the technobabble and "mind talk" I'll assume is telepathy until you tell me otherwise. But the switching topics between Peace and Catcher in the vat was jarring.
Would it work if you cut the reference to Peace for now?
I am withholding nothing purposefully, but am, as mentioned on my first post, struggling to get enough info in early for it to make sense. Even the word 'proto' is meant to give you information in conjuction with the title.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 04, 2008).]
That way for me at least the link between Peace and what comes next is a bit clearer and the memory of the enhancement shards being added would seem more natural.
This is further compounded by the fact that humans never have a tail or gills at any stage of their development. I know some of you may say you've heard otherwise, but the "humans go through the previous stages of evolution" belief was based on superficial appearances and Haeckel's manipulation of fetal development diagrams to make the fetus appear to fit this belief.
Modern studies have proven this belief incorrect. The "gill slits" are throat/pharyngeal pouches (they become germ-fighting organs, the middle ear canal, and the parathyroid and thymus glands) that have nothing to do with oxygen absorption. The "tail" is a series of bones that grow faster than other parts of the fetus and will provide muscle attachment sites. The "tail" never works like a fish tail; it's never used to move the fetus around.
Thus, science prevents me from accepting these protos as human fetuses, even man-made ones, because they are evidently breathing liquid and have fish-like tails used to move them around.
Hope this helped.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 05, 2008).]
They have a human brain but their bodies are bio-engineered from stuff that is non-human (an alien/salamander mix for example). They will never develop into human while they remain in these bodies, because the bodies aren't human and never will be. Their brains and nervous systems are based on human nervous systems. There tails are more like a salamanders or other amphibian.
'Foetal' is a reference to the fact they are foetal forms not human foetal forms.
I think – for me – there is a problem. I see a large vat. Circular walls. Flat bottom. His escaping to the bottom works fine. But the “through the darkness” doesn’t. I can understand it might be deep enough to be darker at the bottom especially if this is not a clear liquid. However, having dived down to bottom, where else is there to go? Are there obstructions in the vat? I can’t imagine there are unless you detail some, maybe a filter or some kind, some pump, stuff like that or more imaginative but still understandable from a two or three word description.
One problem for me was that it seems from what you have written that all the protos of some age have thoughts. That’s what the pov is hearing, right? Where did they learn language, since he has a word for “peace” meaning a peaceful feeling? Are the others’ thoughts coming in words or images or just physical reactions? Is number six thinking in words and understanding them only because of the “enhancement?” You hint that this is so. Am I misunderstanding?
I think you said these protos are not human or going to be human? But then why make me think that's what this is about with your title "Race to Humanity?"
I could sit here an explain all the questions regarding what is going on, but the alien-nature of the situation was, in itself, a hook, I hoped. Besides the rest of the story explains all that. Are they human, are they not? Why are they in the vat? Who is Guider; what is Catcher? Is the mind talk the same as Guider's voice? What have the shards done to the foetuses? What is a proto?
What the hell is going on?????!!!!
All of these questions are answered in the next 13 lines--it just wasn't possible to do everything in the first 13.
I did say that it was a struggle to set the scene in such an alien world without doing a dump.
Perhaps, I have failed. *sobs*
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 06, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 06, 2008).]
quote:
Perhaps, I have failed. *sobs*
No, Adam, you haven't failed. As I said before, I would keep reading. What is happening is clear, even if I don't fully understand what I'm "seeing." I actually didn't have any problems with your last "first 13" revision, and my one concern turns out not to be a concern at all (i.e. the alien/salamander bodies with human brains is a satisfactory (for me) explanation based on the set-up).
I think if people read this in a magazine, they'd keep on reading instead of pausing to complain about "why?". It's just that we don't have the rest and, with something as different as this set-up is, the only recourse we have is to complain/question since we CAN'T read on to clear up those questions. Don't give up on it.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 07, 2008).]