Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Different kind of opening for me

This is topic Different kind of opening for me in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by branteaton (Member # 7782) on :

I usually try for an immediate action, but this fragment is more retrospective:

quote:

Helen started the South Sea War three years before, in her letter to Peter Carpenter, Private Citizen. The Senate had just impeached Peter. Or, rather, he resigned on a Saturday, prior to a Monday session in which that august body would have impeached him. No one took this decision as a spontaneous desire to “spend more time with his family,” or some other nonsense. Peter, and a hundred million other people, saw the writing on the wall after five months of messy congressional hearings.
At any rate, Helen started the War in a letter to the freshly-discredited former President of the United States by inviting him to lead a group of concerned citizens. “Although you

The entire passage is only a few hundred words.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

This does not ring true.

"The Senate had just impeached Peter."

Only the House of Representatives has the power of bringing forth charges (impeachment). If those charges move forward, then the the Senate has the sole power to try, convict or acquit.

No mention is made as to why the impeachment. We should be told this. I was curious as to why a former discredited President would be invited to lead a group of cincerned citizens.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 02, 2008).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I'm willing to wait a paragraph or two to find out why he was about to be impeached. Agree about the Senate only convicting...unless you hurry and show that this is NOT the present US government. Maybe the House has been dispensed with. Maybe this is the south seas on Altair IV. Or the senate of North America in 2148.

Great opening line. Very evocative idea to open with. Although it was disappointing to discover that the private citizen was not some ordinary Joe, but an expresident. The idea of a letter from one ordinary person to another ordinary person starting a war was far more intriguing...to me.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Nitewriter is correct. Only the House can bring charges, the Senate convicts. Another factual problem I have with this.

quote:
Or, rather, he resigned on a Saturday, prior to a Monday session in which that august body would have impeached him.

If something as serious as a presidential impeachment approached this stage, a thing like a weekend isn't going to stop the Senate from assembling, especially for a resignation.
The idea is intriguing. Just straighten out the plausible and I would read on.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 02, 2008).]

Posted by akeenedesign (Member # 7816) on :

I got very thrown by the first sentence and had to read it three times to figure it out. "Before" is what got me, since I was trying to find the "after" . "Helen started the South Sea War three years ago, in her letter to Peter carpenter, Private Citizen.

It seems like the intro could start off without the "three years" at all.

"Helen started the South Sea War, in her letter to Peter Carpenter, Private Citizen."

Maybe, after that grab, you can throw us the letter? All the congressional stuff was kind of a bore to read since it didn't involve any characterization, or any specific scandal to latch onto. It's a vague impeachment/resignation that says to me "there's something interesting going on, but you just get to see the boring side of it."

I hope that helps - I personally wouldn't read on without a better sense of either the characters or the events that are happening.

Posted by branteaton (Member # 7782) on :

Thanks for the advice: this will be a Senate vote to convict Peter, the House having already impeached him. The Senate gave Peter the weekend to resign by scheduling a vote on Monday (with clear 2/3 majority to quash filibuster).

I like the suggestion of jumping straight into the letter, where we can get some information through the voice and perspective of Helen. That point of view seems right, and I never felt good about the level of removal I feel in the original passage.

More to come: thank you for your comments.