quote:
A slight woman stepped into the street, right in front of the car. The driver stoically braked to let her pass unharmed, along with seven other people who decided to take advantage of an opportune break in traffic. Gene couldn’t understand the way Sendai cab drivers patiently endured these brief and frequent outbreaks of civil disobedience. He was pretty sure Japan had laws about jay-walking, especially along busy streets in the shopping district. This would never fly in New York. He could see the headline now: “Cabbies 150, Jay-walkers 0.”
After a few moments, the driver eased forward, interrupting the stream of scofflaws. Two stragglers had to jog a few
Fire away :-P
The prose is OK, but right now I am thinking is it good enough to interest me in jaywalkers in japan? No, it isn't. If the story had started with a jaywalker being struck down by an irate cabbie you would have grabbed me, and if the cab in question was a anti-grav one on Vitriol Six, Minor moon Two, you would have sold me. My advice start the story where it is interesting and set the scene etc. within what is happening.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]
I hope that helps!
By the way - the hook is about a person struck by a commuter train (suicide?). This bit of pedestrians playing chicken with cabs is oblique forewarning of that event: too indirect/boring?
Boring needs fixing :-)
[This message has been edited by branteaton (edited March 03, 2008).]
So, yeah, I think you're being too subtle for a true hook. It's good to have foreshadowing, but it's indirect and kind of boring... But boring isn't necessarily associated with a lack of action; it's more a lack of conflict, or a lack of unusual circumstances.
To be more clear, when I was trying to figure out how to start my story, I found some of my favorite books and figured out what hooked me - my personal favorites had a casual suggestion that the world was VERY different than our world...
For example, 1984 begins with a clock striking 13. The rest of the intro is, technically, "boring" since it's just the MC entering his drab apartment building. But I'm hooked because I know the world is not normal.
The Giver is similar, with a boy being frightened, but then explaining how he wasn't being precise with his language, since true fright was what he experienced when a plane flew over the community. It was a very casual thought process, but with unusual undertones.
In yours, cars stopping for pedestrians offers nothing different or unusual to me. When a woman walks in front of a car, I would expect the car to stop, even if the MC expects the cab to keep moving.
Essentially, you're describing something that's unusual for the MC, but not unusual for the reader. I, personally, am more drawn to the stories that are the other way around, with main characters experiencing something normal to them, with me asking "why is that considered normal!?"
If there's nothing truly abnormal in your story, then the hook would have to be in basic conflict - he's late or frustrated or thinking about something else, with the pedestrian vs cab foreshadowing as more of a background event.
A lot of that might just be personal preference, but I hope it's helpful, and not too long winded or off topic.
So you have to find something about what you are writing as an intro that will make someone continue. We are talking some minor conflict the reader wants to know how it pans out; an very interesting environment the reader wants to learn more about; a character that is very interesting; a situation that is strange/threatening etc... that sort of thing.
For it to be solely the prose that hooks you, it has to be very, very good prose. People who can write like that can write about a paper clip and make it interesting...
Personally I prefer story to prose. Prose is the vehicle for the story and it annoys me when I become to conscious of the prose/narrator.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]
A "hook" is whatever makes the reader go to the next line. Whether it be wonderful writing, an interesting character, an exciting event, and exotic place, whatever. So, no, the main event doesn't have to, and often can't happen in 13 lines, but something needs to be there to make the reader keep going.
This one almost had me. Why? This line: He could see the headline now: “Cabbies 150, Jay-walkers 0.”
Why you didn't hook me: too many people in too small a space and no MC/POV to connect with until too late. In the first 3 lines you mention - (1) a slight woman; (2) driver; (3) seven other people; (4) Gene; and (5) the Sendai cab drivers. At the end of the 13 you are getting cinematic again - now we have (6) Scofflaws and (7) two stragglers.
Assuming Gene is your POV, get into his head sooner. The reason I like the one line is it is all character. Where is Gene watching all of this? Is he the driver? Is he in a cab? IS the driver, his driver? Did he get jarred forward when the brakes are applied?
Since you are starting with an ordinary event, which might be the right place to start, you need something extra to generate a hook. The illusion could work if there is some reason for me to read on. The reason could be Gene's on his way to a big meeting and the jaywalkers are holding him up. But something to connect to Gene would help.
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html
All: points well taken. Re-writes in progress.
This is exactly the sort of feedback I need at this juncture.