Also, I'm looking for people to crit the story relatively soonish, as I've got a very tight deadline. If anyone can step up to the challenge, feel free to send me something to crit in return and I'll get it back to you ASAP.
ZOMBIE LOVE SONG
She smelled of sh*t and she was beautiful. It was on a waste heap outside Calcutta that Mother Earth retrieved her. Jamie was human no more.
I saw her blood filter amongst rotting food and ash; I saw vines ravelling over her body. Then she rose, an animated corpse, with flies and stench billowing from her bloated lips. Maggots fell from her vagina, her nose. Compost steam wafted from her gold skin.
And she smiled at me. I knew she remembered. Death couldn’t steal that. She was a chthonic queen, resurrected by the angry soil and the screaming wind. Green shoots pricked up through her epidemis and flowered into lilies across her arms. Then, just as quickly, they withered and died, falling away and leaving weeping holes behind.
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited March 11, 2008).]
So, in conclusion. GREAT Opening line and nice follow up. I would definitely give this story a chance if I read it at a bookstore. I'd probably laugh out loud and scare the people around me, because...man, is that a great opening line. I know we're all about the "first thirteen" on here, but I think we'd all like to have that "first line hook" that makes the reader go "Damn...that's hot."
Congrats.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited March 13, 2008).]
It's only 1300 words at present, but I need to work on the middle section, and I'm kinda stumped for ideas. Input would be greatly appreciated
Adam
xxx
I would keep reading if I saw it in a bookstore, but not where my studnets could see me.
Adam
xxx
.....I love it....
very descriptive, pulls you in for sho'! not often I find myself entrenched enough in the first thirteen that I feel a little sad inside that I can't read the rest.
Id love it if you sent it my way, purely to read for my own enjoyment (is that selfish? oh well, hopefully its also complementry (can I use "complementry" like that??))
The first and third paragraph are visual and concisely set the scene. However, I wonder if the second paragraph might be a bit over the top. Dragging out the cliche of "less is more", perhaps you could delete the last two sentences in this paragraph (the maggots and the compost steam). Then you have her bloated lips, and in the next line, she smiles at him. A nice flow.