Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Snake Oil Salesman(7k Sci-Fi)

This is topic Snake Oil Salesman(7k Sci-Fi) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Just looking for comments on the hook right now.

It was an invisible fence that separated the old colony from the the new.

Why waste such a beautiful day? Maxillion hadn’t even opened his tool bag. Instead he sat on the broken generator, examining a group of ladder bugs. The Berias fauna was still new to him, but he knew that they were interested in his lunch. The scout had returned to the group and spit out a ball of saliva—its chemical message to the others. After approaching and probing the little orb of information with their telescoping probocis, they fell into position for the barrage, linking their twelve-legged bodies together. The ladder was forming. Maxillion sacrificed his lunch for the opportunity to watch this

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Okay BT,

I don't know what to make of your first line.

It was an invisible fence that separated the old colony from the the new.

It is italicized but has nothing tieing it to the rest of your 13 lines. Is it a sign, a prophecy, something your MC is thinking? It is throwing me off the rest of the 13. I guess if I knew it's relevance, I could comment better.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I probably should omit it. It doesn't really relate to the first thirteen as much as the first scene. I guess it is some sort of Omni narrative intro--not MC

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Hows this?

Posted by Evokka (Member # 7855) on :

Hi, I'm new to the site and just kinda wandering around wondering what the heck I should be doing. So I thought I'd comment on the opening to the story.
I think its clear, fast paced and I'd be interested in reading more. However, his name, Maxillion, really distracts me..I keep thinking Max a million. Also, I think you could get away with just using the term Ladder Bugs compared to Berias fauna. Maximillion sacrificed his lunch to the Berias Fauna..it sounds - crunchy. It seems to me a mechanic would use the term Ladder Bugs, unless he's a scientist under the disguise of a mechanic.

Over all, I think it's quite good.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Thanks for the comments. Welcome to the forum. I can see your point on the name. I guess I was using it as a placeholder until a better one came to mind.

Posted by Evokka (Member # 7855) on :

Thankyou for the welcome. I think the name Max works great.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hey BT,

quote:
Why waste such a beautiful day? Nice opening. Great job starting with dialog. I'd italicize it and start a new paragraph so it stands on its own. Maxillion >hadn’t even opened his tool bag. Instead he< I'd cut this, it feels forced sat on the broken generator, examining a group of ladder bugs. >The Berias fauna was still new to him, but he knew that they were interested in his lunch.< I think this should be split into two sentences and tighten a little The Berias fuana still intrigued him. They were in turn intrigued with his lunch. New paragraph The scout had returned to the group and spit out a ball of saliva—its chemical message to the others. >After approaching and probing< Two problems with this. Who are you talking about and I think this isn't needed. how about this? Worker Ladder bugs probed the little orb of information with their telescoping probocis, they fell into position for the barrage, linking their twelve-legged bodies together. >The ladder was forming.< passive A ladder formed Maxillion sacrificed his lunch for the opportunity to watch this interesting display.
Soon his protein bar was dismantled and carried off. The ladder bugs dispersed. Max sat back and looked up at the dark blue sky.

I do like this opening. A little tightening and you'll have a jewel of a beginning.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 18, 2008).]

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

I like this...it kind of reminds me of the opening of "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind", and I'm getting clear pictures in my head of what he's looking at despite the unfamiliarity. That's enough to keep me going!

It's kind of leisurely, maybe, but the clarity has me sold you're going to put together a vivid world.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

I too like the clarity of your prose. I question the inclusion of this scene as your opener. This feels more like a novel opening than a short story opening.It is interesting and well-written, but it doesn't Grab the reader like it should. Perhaps start with a more active scene.
Unless of course this scene is allegorical and foreshadows the rest of the story. Then just ferget me.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

It is my attempt at establishing the characterizations of the MC. It was an opportunity to paint him as a lackadaisical young man before the plot develops and he becomes more purpose driven.