This is a story running about 3000 words. I've been told to expand the climactic sceene: I did a little, but would love input on that particular facet of the story from anyone open to reading the full manuscript.
It's loosely urban fantasy, with specific literary reference in some the obscurer metaphors. I chose the metaphors that fit the picture in my head, so feel free to say if they did not help you that way (create an ambience).
Looking forward to hearing what you think, it's on its way.
Put "Hatrack" in the email line so I know it's you and not some spammer.
I had feedback that the end is unsatisfying. If you can tell me if you agree, and more about why that is, it would help me a lot, to start rethinking it.
OSC's M.I.C.E. discussion in his book, HOW TO WRITE SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY, where he talks about structure and how the kind of story you are writing determines how you begin it as well as how you end it, may also be of help.
thanks, arriki
I think -- my opinion, remember -- is that you open promising a story of Desty's discovery but don't focus on that. The elements of that storyline are incomplete and so the ending ending doesn't work. Is this the story of Desty's Discovery about how limiting wards are? Or is this the story of Max's Sacrifice?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 18, 2008).]
bare, like skin, as if in deliberate disguise
bear-like skin, " " "
Two: Unbent. The phrase "He barely unbent from leaning over his desk" is awkward. Though unbent is a verb, its coupling with leaning over is too confusing. Perhaps "He barely straightened from leaning over his desk." Then we have a positive correlating a negative, balancing out our ideas in the sentence, reinforcing our dominant impression.
As for the story, I'll read it if I have time over my upcoming vacation.
Hope the story turns out well.
Wetherby
Turns out well? Not for all of the characters. And sounds like it may not be quite delivering on the premise, though I need to look at just what the premise is now.
I'll send it and you can get to it if it looks like you have time and it sounds like it's going to be okay.
ETA: thanks for the phrasing notes, by the way.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited March 18, 2008).]
OSC's M.I.C.E. discussion in his book, HOW TO WRITE SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY, where he talks about structure and how the kind of story you are writing determines how you begin it as well as how you end it, may also be of help. "
I have read How To Write Science Fiction and Fantasy, and did find that concept fascinating. I can't always spot these things on my own though, which is why I was posing the question in general here; obviously I was missing something.
According to Arriki, the question is very different from what I came to the story with, so I definitely need to re-evaluate that. Desty's Discovery does not ring any bells for me. It's Maxo's Principle that I was writing around.
Why, oh why is it so hard to tell the story inside your head? Heh...
quote:
Why, oh why is it so hard to tell the story inside your head?
That's what I believe we're here for: to help you to get your words on paper to tell the story in your head as well as possible.
Discovery and Sacrifice are very different plots. You seem to be trying to have both here.
Of course, that's just how I'm seeing the story as written. Others may differ in their opinions.