My new story for this week. Despite not revealing the Problem, does this catch your interest?

“He’s a human!”
“Well,yes. What did you expect?”
“Something more...more versatile. A little stronger.”
“That requires magic.” The unicorn pawed impatiently at the slate flooring of the alchemist’s laboratory. “You said ‘nothing magic.’ There’s nothing less magical than a human. If you don’t want him –“
”No, no. He’ll have to do.”
The human in question, named Jimpson, was a sturdy young male with well-developed muscles from heaving bales of hay around. Good hay. Which was how the unicorn, named Percival, had come to know him. Jimpson had his hands clasped behind his back as he wandered about the lab peering at the shelves of neatly labeled ingredients and worktables filled with arcane

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 19, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 20, 2008).]
 

Whoa... is the unicorn talking? If so, which voice is he?

The dialogue isn't doing it for me; it is way too vague for my taste. The instant I hear the line "He's a human!" I am unable to visualize or hear the 'voice' of the conversation because it could be between computers, animals, or mythological creatures. I'm jarred out of normalcy immediately, and nothing grounds me to the rest of the scene. And then when a unicorn is mentioned, it isn't clear that the unicorn is talking, since it does a horse-like motion.

Once I get away from the dialogue, it becomes more interesting. Jimpson and Percival have a working relationship with each other, somehow, which is fun to think about. I can begin to imagine Percival being like a higher-class, magical creature, with Jimpson as one of his workers. I feel like Jimpson is some kind of 'everyman' from the lower class being considered for something very special and magical.

Even if my assumptions or imagined lines of thought aren't correct, the situation gets me thinking... something that the dialogue didn't do. The only thing the dialogue made me think was "Two faceless creatures are arguing about a magic-less human. I don't know who they are or what they need, so I can't imagine where this might go."

So, I say skip the dialogue and begin with the unicorn and the other faceless voice observing the human.

It might even include inner thoughts of Percival, observing the reaction of the other voice's reaction to Jimpson.

ex: 'Percival could tell she was angry with him for choosing a human for the task. "I know he's weak," Percival said, "but you said 'nothing magic.'"

I hope that's helpful - I'm interested in reading more of what you have, if you want to send it my way.
 

“He’s a human!”
“Well,yes. What did you expect?”
“Something more...more versatile. A little stronger.” maybe a question mark would work better after 'stronger'
“That requires magic.” The unicorn pawed impatiently at the slate flooring of the alchemist’s laboratory. “You said ‘nothing magic.’ There’s nothing less magical than a human. If you don’t want him –“
”No, no. He’ll have to do.”
The human in question, >named Jimpson,< cut this. Introducing his name in dialog would make this stronger was a sturdy young male with well-developed muscles from heaving bales of hay around. Good hay. Which was how >the unicorn, named Percival,< How about; Percival the unicorn had come to know him. Jimpson had his hands clasped behind his back as he wandered about the lab peering at the shelves of neatly labeled ingredients and worktables filled with arcane this passage makes your human seem more sophisticated than an average farm hand

I can honestly say I was hooked despite of the problems i had with it. Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 19, 2008).]
 

I feel like the POV here is going to belong to the unicorn, but so far it doesn't. Maybe you're writing this in omniscient, for some reason. I'd advise against it, but I'd have to see how it plays out before making that advice very strong. However, if one of these characters IS going to be the POV character, you definitely need to get some internal reaction going a bit earlier.
 

Magister Third Class Eliasor pursed his lips as the creature riding the unicorn slid off its back and stood up straight.
“He’s a human!” Eliasor exclaimed.
“Well, yes. What did you expect?” said the unicorn.
“Something more...more versatile. A little stronger.”
“That requires magic. You said ‘nothing magic.’ There’s nothing less magical than a human. If you don’t want him –“
”No, no. He’ll have to do.”
The human in question, named Jimpson, was a sturdy young human male with well-developed muscles from heaving bales of hay around. Good hay at that. Which was how the unicorn, named Percival, had come to know him. Jimpson clasped his hands behind his back and wandered over to the shelves of jars filled with mermaid scales and frog warts. He took the one marked "new gold"

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 20, 2008).]
 

I'm just tossing out ideas. It'd be nice to know if Percival's character is stubborn by nature, or if he feels scared standing up for his choice of a creature, or how he feels about the Magister. Right now, it's mostly facts with very little feeling.

I'll be ready next week for it. Great improvement. =)
 

Anyone else willing to take a look at it?
 

I would love to take a look. (I still think this is like doing community service by eating cakes).

It sounds fun and goofy to me almost in a Douglas Adams type of way.

The good kind of goofy :P

Justin Armstrong