[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 27, 2008).]
Second - I had to read the second line literally seven times. Something about the flow is off, and I don't understand how he has sweat dripping from his nose to his gun. I've only shot a few guns, but I would never hold one right in front of my chest, touching my chest, for it seems the gun would have to be held like that for the sweat to hit it.
Ok, as far as the hook, I love it. The parts leading up to it, confused the crap out of me! Where are they standing. The sheriff just shot at them? Rising to his feet? How did he have sweat from his nose drop to the gun when he wasn't even standing?
I guess I would have to say, the hook is great, but I'm confused about what just happened.
As for the Title, as long as the world is't even remotely close to Asimov's it will be ok, but you will you will no doubt catch some flack for it. I wouldn't submit it to Asimov's.
I think what's confusing about the second line is the two proper nouns and the structure of "he pointed at my chest" referencing "Colt Peacemaker". It slowed me down but didn't trip me.
Does he load the bullet into the gun? If so, why? Is it a special bullet somehow? If so, why does he reference "bullet" in a general term in the first sentence? Or is he talking about two different qualities of bullets (i.e. killing capability and time travel capability) in which case the switch comes a bit too quickly for me.
And why doesn't the Sheriff just storm the bank? If Carrigan is holding the boy hostage, presumably he wouldn't be shooting through the door all nilly willy. So many questions! I don't need them all answered, but I'm going to want them to make sense at some point. But I think this is, in part, the danger of starting off with an action and information packed first thirteen--you generate a lot of questions--good, but also it can backfire if you leave the reader too confused and lost. It's a trust issue for me--I've got to have faith that the writer is adept, and sensitive enough, to address all these questions, and that they aren't just oversights or sloppiness (I'm in no way implying that you are, I'm trying to critique this as if I had no idea who the writer is).
At the end he's trying to shoot through both of their brains with one bullet, right? If so, one's cheek and temple would be pressed against the other--at least, that's how I pictured it. Then it seems to me it would be easier to hold the boy's (girl's?) head against his own, and then shoot through his own head--think about where your hands would have to be to do it the other way.
Asimov is the first thing I thought when I read Terminus.
I had to read the second line only three times-- maybe four. still it was a little confusing. Too much too early. I hadnt been properly introduced to he characters and the sentence was difficult to read because of it.
quote:
“Know what a bullet is, boy—I mean really?”
Sweat dripped from Carrigan’s aquiline nose onto the Colt Peacemaker he pointed at my chest.[Maybe if you meantion Carrigan's breath or the heat emanating from him it would solidify the face-to-face image.] He lifted an eyebrow.
I shook my head, then ducked as another hail of bullets splintered the bank’s door. Sh*t, the sheriff would kill me if it meant stopping Carrigan escaping. [Major nit: "stopping Carrigan[FROM] escaping" or "Stopping Carrigan['s] escape".]
Carrigan pulled out a single bullet and held it up; it glinted in the sunlight. Rising to his feet he said,“It’s a way to travel, if you know how.” He grinned, then suddenly he was moving fast.[Doing what? Just shaking?] He jammed my head against his and held it tight, with his other hand he ground the barrel into my temple.
“Hey, the twentieth century is cool. Let’s go there.” Then he pulled the trigger.
Interesting concept. I think it'll be difficult to arrange the setting and time-travel concept smoothly with the spaced dialogue. I was confused whether it was an old west setting or just western. Colt peacemakers are still made. The model (year most often)--much like the Winchester, Henry Repeater or Enfield--makes a huge difference.
I hope this helps.
quote:
“Know what a bullet is, boy—I mean really?”
Sweat dripped from Carrigan’s aquiline nose I thought the sweat would be dripping from the person the gun was pointing AT, hence Carrigan was the hostage(?) not the gunman, and the story was in 3rd person. The rest of the sentence violates that initial assumption. Attach Carrigan's name to the first line, and it would have been clear to me onto the Colt Peacemaker he pointed at my chest.
Oh, and anyone who's so much a fan of Asimov that Terminus would be a real stumbling block should also have read his The End of Eternity, where terminus is used often and in a completely different sense (one chapter being titled "Beyond the Downwhen Terminus"), so, really, it shouldn't even bother them.
In that case, who's shooting from outside?
I just want to know the players involved, and what they're doing.
I didn't react to Terminus being the Foundation planet, although I knew it, because a terminus is the end of a bus or train line, and I'm sure those are all over the place. I suppose if that many people are distracted by it, though, you have to take it seriously. (A reader's authentic reaction may be inconvenient, but it's still the reader's authentic reaction! and that matters.)
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 29, 2008).]
Carrigan is the bank robber, your un-named protagonist is his hostage, and the Sheriff is outside trying to prevent him from getting away. Carrigan and your protagonist are by the front door, trying to escape, which getting into a gunfight is unnecessary as he has a magical bullet that can help him time travel. While being cool, I don’t know why he has to take the unnamed protagonist with him or what he is waiting for, why not shoot as soon as he has the money. I don’t really care about the sweet hitting the gun but it does suggest either it is really hot or a really intense situation that is making him sweet. But the bullet gives him an easy out so why is it intense, is there a reason not to use the bullet?
I now see your real hook is the bullet travel, which is cool but the scene is confusing. Would be interested in seeing your reworked version because I think it is a cool idea.