Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The best day of his Life

This is topic The best day of his Life in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

blink.

[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited March 29, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I liked this--it has a pretty nice feel to it. I would definitely turn the page.

That first sentence, though, was difficult to get through. I had to wade through too many adjectives. Also, the first four sentences (particularly the three after the first) start out with the exact same structure. Personally, I found the repetition a little oppressive, as well as the rather thick dip into youthful fantasies. I got the picture after just one phrase. Those, together with the first sentence, were a bit much.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

This reminds me of the style of Heinlein. I found it well done. The contrast of the wonder of a child and disbelief of an adult is a frequently used tool in our craft, but you pulled it off nicely.

I didn't like the phrase 'piling up as a manuscript of experience'

witholding the hint of a hook to the last line or two feels contrived to me at times, and I think you could have revealed more of that with less of the childhood memory.

But I would turn the page. It has a good feel.

I question the title already though.