Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Lumeton Chapter 1

This is topic Lumeton Chapter 1 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

Hey everyone, this is something I've been working on for a while. This is a fantasy fiction, and is about a mysterious land known as Lumeton. Hopefully this beginning sets the tone... Feedback is appreciated.

YunWen looked over her shoulder.
It was still dark out and tells coming from the opposite side of town still terrified the otherwise peaceful night. The buildings in the town had started to crumble and the wind continued to fan the fires in the town, which were becoming larger and more dangerous than before. YunWen started to become anxious. She had been waiting in the windiest weather imaginable, and there was no sight of Sungraine. The town’s pathways had been predominantly destroyed, and the town’s self-destruction had been multiplying every moment. Sungraine was more than twenty Gremetes late, but she could not tell for certain, and there was no word how much longer it would take. YunWen sat back down again on the stone, as she had promised

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited March 31, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 01, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Looks like you're over 13 lines here. KDW will be along to truncate it in a bit, but you might also want to check out the instructions in the "please read here first" section, found on the main page or by clicking here.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 31, 2008).]

Also, if this is chapter one of a novel, you might want to post in the Fragments and Feedback for Novels section.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 31, 2008).]

Oh, whoops! looks like we cross posted. Sorry.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 31, 2008).]

Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

fixed... sorry

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
YunWen looked over her shoulder.
It was still dark out and tells coming from the opposite side of town still terrified the otherwise peaceful night. The buildings in the town had started to crumble and the wind continued to fan the fires in the town, which were becoming larger and more dangerous than before.
YunWen started to become anxious[Show us]. She had been waiting in the windiest weather imaginable[ Tellling again.She waited, fierce wind rippled her hair and burned her face, and there was no sight of Sungraine. The town’s pathways had been[watch the hads] predominantly destroyed, and the town’s self-destruction had been multiplying[better verb here] every moment. Sungraine was more than twenty Gremetes[I get trying to buid your own measures, but why capitalize Hours or Months?] late, but she could not tell for certain, and there was no word how much

She who must be obeyed will surely have her way, however I must say, I would turn the page...

Once this is polished any way.

I like this. It needs some mechanics worked out, perhaps more of the hook, but I like your style.

Check out Annes link. Two seeds say you can fix this before Kathleen.

quote:
fixed... sorry

Almost

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 31, 2008).]

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

A bit of something that caught my eye: gremetes and gremehers (the local lingo for minutes and hours?).

There's probably a short story all in itself to be written about the huge weight of baggage even the most ordinary seeming language carries around with it – or more likely a great thick pile of textbooks. Still, unless we want to struggle along without a whole lot of useful words like “platonic”, “damned”, “braille”, “ antediluvian” and “witch”, it's probably best to figure that what we write is simply the most natural translation of the word from our character's world to our own.

Now, that's not to say can't be useful and interesting to call out differences. If the local day lasts eleventy-two hours, then by all means say so, but I don't like to worry overmuch about what words mean if I don't need to.

From the little I have seen of the good folks here, this particular topic may well have been talked to death in a dozen other threads threads already, but like I said, it caught my eye.

Anyhow, I should quit quibbling and go write.

Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

Quick note: (Would elaborate, but I'm dead tired right now.)
The reason for creating a new time system is that it has to do with the unnatural nature of the land. Think in this sense: A world war had ended, but the natural order had been disturbed.

I have an idea in mind why Gremetes had replaced minutes in this Magical land, but telling you now wouldn't keep you in suspense =()
However think on the lines of nevernver land (i.e. peter pan) in the way age had been disturbed in that magical land and how that shaped the plot of Peter Pan.

The purpose of creating Gremetes is to create a completely new world that no one had ever seen before. I am thinking along the lines of Brave New World, if you get my drift. I have a while till I can work out the full details, but Thank you all for the feedback so far. I am tired to work on it now, but I will post another version someday. Thank you everyone you guys rock already (And I've only been here a day!)

Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

YunWen looked over her shoulder. Yells coming from the opposite side of the dark town terrorized the otherwise peaceful night. The buildings crumbled while the wind continued to fan the fires, which were becoming larger and more dangerous than before. YunWen took a deep breath as fierce wind blew against her frail face. There was no sight of Sungraine. Sungraine was more than twenty Gremetes late, but she could not tell for certain. There was no word how much longer it would take, given the immense damage to the towns pathways and roads. YunWen sat back down again just as she promised. Lumeton courtyard which stood silent in the cold wind with only sounds of terrified mutters of Lumetons that flew along with the wind.

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited April 01, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 01, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited April 03, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited July 11, 2009).]