MORE please. [This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2008).]
quote:
Peter walked[paced] around the massive block of marble in his studio. He stopped for a moment and examined a tiny flaw. The setting sun shone through the large studio window, turning the white marble pink. The block mocked him.
“I am in here, stone-cutter, if you can find me,” she whispered from the block[implied/cut]--seductive tones, full of promise.
John shook his head and rubbed his forehead-it has started.This commission was going to test his sanity. He always formed a relationship with his work, but with Medusa? He considered the pills the psychiatrist prescribed, but it[they/agreement] always killed[different verb/ hindered?] his inner artist—the muse liked him raw. He grinned.
“Leave me alone, you bitch.” Then she moved--a shadow within
This is great. I would read on.
Again, real nice.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited April 01, 2008).]
Peter circled the massive block of marble in his studio. He stopped for a moment to examine a tiny flaw. The setting sun shone through the large studio window, turning the white marble pink. The block mocked him.
“I am in here, stone-cutter, if you can find me,” she whispered from within the marble--seductive tones, full of promise.
John shook his head and rubbed his temple--it's started.This commission would test his sanity. He always formed a relationship with his work, but with Medusa? He considered the pills the psychiatrist prescribed, but they killed his inner artist—the muse preferred him raw and bleeding. He grinned.
“Leave me alone, you bitch.” Then she moved--a shadow within the stone--a sinuous body, writhing naked--crowned with snapping snakes
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2008).]
Anyways, Again, I like this.
The only thing that caught my attention was the words "snapping snakes". With such awesome, violent words before such as killing, raw and bleeding, and sinous, writhing, I found "snapping" somehow lacking. Striking? maybe. I don't know, I am probably driving you crazy.
I don't seem to haver garnered many comments with this piece. Not sure why?
The setting sun shone through the studio's large window, turning the block of white marble pink. Peter circled it, chisel in hand--the first cut was the hardest. He stopped for a moment to examine a tiny flaw.The block mocked him.
“I am in here, stone-cutter, if you can find me,” she whispered from within the marble--seductive tones, full of promise.
John shook his head and rubbed his temple--it's started.This commission would test his sanity. He always formed a relationship with his work, but with Medusa? He considered the pills the psychiatrist prescribed, but they killed his inner artist—the muse preferred him raw and bleeding. He grinned.
“Leave me alone, you bitch.” Then she moved--a shadow within the stone--a sinuous body, writhing naked--crowned with snapping snakes
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 02, 2008).]
quote:
I don't seem to haver garnered many comments with this piece. Not sure why?
Speaking purely for myself, I think that it's well written, like most of your stuff. It's clear and vivid, and I can imagine the scene. But the title and the first thirteen suggest to me it's in the horror genre, one I generally dislike. I might have read on anyhow, but I feel no sympathy for either of the characters.
Hope this helps, probably doesn't,
Pat
I am going to comment on your second attempt because I do not like the third. Still, I believe a slight change in order of events is needed.
quote:
Peter >circled< I like this change the massive block of marble in his studio. He stopped for a moment to examine a tiny flaw. The setting sun shone through the large studio window, turning the white marble pink. The block mocked him. This last sentence needs moved for a better impact
“I am in here, stone-cutter, if you can find me,” she whispered from within the marble-->seductive tones, full of promise.< this part feels wrong ot me. It feels telling
John shook his head and rubbed his temple-->it's started<. italicise This commission would test his sanity. He always formed a relationship with his work, but with Medusa? He considered the pills the psychiatrist prescribed, but they killed his inner artist—the muse preferred him raw and bleeding. why bleeding? Is it a metaphor or are you being literal? He >grinned<. Shouldn't this be grimmaced?
“Leave me alone, you bitch.” Then she moved--a shadow within the stone--a sinuous body, writhing naked--crowned with snapping snakes
I do like the snapping snakes. It's a nice, and accurate, visual of Medussa.
How about this...
Peter circled the massive block of marble in his studio. It mocked him. He stopped for a moment to examine a tiny flaw. The setting sun shone through the large studio window, turning the white marble pink.
“I am in here, stone-cutter, if you can find me,” she whispered from within the marble. Her seductive tone was full of promise. John shook his head and rubbed his temple.
It's started.
This commission would test his sanity. He always formed a relationship with his work, but with Medusa? He considered the pills the psychiatrist prescribed, but they killed his inner artist—the muse preferred him raw and bleeding. He grinned.
“Leave me alone, you bitch.” Then she moved--a shadow within the stone--a sinuous body, writhing naked--crowned with snapping snakes
As far as the hook goes, yes it does and I would read on but I would need some clarity on the next page to keep reading.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 02, 2008).]
The only reason I didn't give it its own line was it pushed another line out of the 13 lines.
I thought 'grinned' was a more insane response for him when replying to a block of marble which may or may not have actually spoken.
Nice work. I, too, would read more.
quote:
Its started was italicised, if you cut and pasted it into your own post you would have lost that bit of formatting.
so it was, my mistake.
There's very little technically wrong with it, and very little storytelling wise as well. I'm hooked. MORE send me MORE. NOW!!
I was able to connect with Peter, although that's a pretty boring name, and the concept of his seeing the creation in the stone before it happened pretty quickly. Those are nice common images that are executed well enough to push it out of cliche.The statute being Medusa and her talking back, drew me in further. The idea that the world around him thinks his connection with his work is unnatural (ie the psychs and the drugs) was a slight hook.
His attitude in the dialog, which was just about perfect dialog, and the image of Medusa moving in the stone was it, I want MORE.
On techinical points - I like the image of "snapping" better than "striking." With snapping there is more foreshadowing, I think. Right now the snakes are trapped and can't strike, just snap impotently until he releases them. The 13 promises that they will be released.
Again, good job getting the story moving and catching my attention.
So, is it done? Can you send it to me? MORE please.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited April 03, 2008).]
"It's started." As usual, this sort of quoted internal monologue felt false to me--not false that he would think it, but false that he would think the words. "It had started" would work better for me. The italicized variety is more popular, but I think less effective. (My opinion is that the italics have gained popularity partly because they are less effective. The technique is noticeable. It draws attention to what the author is doing, so that people say, "Wow, I like what he/she's doing. I'll do that too." The other does its work invisibly. People absorb it without stumbling, so that have no clue how the author is creating his/her effect or even that the effect has been created. They just absorb it, unawares, and read on.)
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited April 03, 2008).]