Charles found himself sitting in his study as he explained himself. "I tried being humble, but it was simply not my style. You see, I have the gift. I, am the one." he said flourishing his fingers in the same fashion that an old time magician would have. "Some say that I should become a servant to all. Feed the poor they say. I however find my time better spent serving my very own needs. You see, I did not set out to be evil. Things simply have a way of unfolding, rearranging, and balancing themselves out in the end anyway." They looked at one another and nodded in unison. Charles took it as agreement with his statement. A booming voice then sounded from the Council of Twenty Four. "Next explain to the council how you first gained access to our level of consciousness."
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
It is hard to find sympathy for an MC who is an antaogonist. Otherwise you could just go really dark with it, but I got no indication of that. I would have to question what could happen to make the reader change their mind about a character that already admits they are evil.
I'll give it a quick read if you want.
Posted by algaidaman (Member # 6445) on :
Thanks. I will rewrite asap.
Posted by JustInProse (Member # 7872) on :
I really like it, and only have a few problems.
Your MC admits he is evil, but he talks like he isn't. He talks like someone who isn't good, but that doesn't mean evil. Maybe if he said "I'm not trying to be evil." But I don't know if he is supposed to be evil or not.
If he is, darken it. Another problem, the booming voice thing was a little cliche sounding to me.
Maybe: "With the power of the entire Council of Twenty Four, one voice spoke out. 'Next explain to the council how you first...etc'."
I'm definitely hooked though.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I had a little trouble with that opening sentence: Charles found himself sitting in his study as he explained himself. I think I stumbled over the word "found", I found myself stopping to wonder if he had been taken there against his will, maybe drugged and he has just woken in this room. I only paused a moment but still think that opening sentence could be stronger.
"I tried being humble, but it was simply not my style. You see, I have the gift. I, am the one." he said flourishing his fingers in the same fashion that an old time magician would have. You've already said it was Charles who was explaining himself before this speech so I think you could do without the "he said". Also, the whole "flourishing...." sounded a little awkward, maybe cutting that out might tighten up the opening a little.
You see, I did not set out to be evil. Hhmm, I suppose here isn't the place to get into the whole debate about the nature of evil, (does anybody actually think of themselves as evil? Don't we always try to justfiy our actions to ourselves? etc etc etc) but this statement seemed a little too simplistic to me. Maybe try a different wording here?
Things simply have a way of unfolding, rearranging, and balancing themselves out in the end anyway." Loved this sentence, really good
Good luck with it, and I'd be glad to read the whole piece once you're finished.
Posted by algaidaman (Member # 6445) on :
These are all really good points that I hadn't even noticed (guess that's called learning). I will rewrite then post the new 13 lines. Thanks for the suggestions.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
When you say "they" ("They looked at one another"), we need an antecedent.
I don't have a problem with MC's evil being ambiguous. I do want his words to be less abstract, and *possibly* for the story to start with his actions, rather than his description of his actions.
