Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock. His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences. Logifer knew he had committed the most gruesome murder to the highest degree. Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while another two were carefully placed in the Kitchen. Logifer had just performed the most inexcusable crime.
He waited – he knew the company that he was anticipating was coming for sure as he stood in fear, unwilling to flee. Logifer ran through the kitchen, ransacking everything in sight. Logifer started throwing everything down on the floor, whose objects were now being stained with the flesh blood on Logifer’s hands.
There is also several mentions of his name in this intro. He's would suffice as there is only one character introduced as of yet.
In fact, I counted 14 forms of he/his/Logifer
It seems my advice du jour, but I cannot sympathize with a MC who has just confessed to several counts of heinous murder.
quote:
Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock
quote:
His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences
Months of planning and toiling paid off, however he was uncertain of the consequences.
The implication of the POV being his allows you the freedom of not being required to repeat his name or even "Him' We are seeing this scene through his eyes, and feeling his emotions.
I like dark stuff, but it will be a hard sell, unless this is destined to be a dark piece to find a reader that will sympathize with this character.
Even I like to get to the motive or understanding of why a character would commit the terrible acts of murder before I see the carnage. In this case is several bodies.
That being said, You will need to analyze the story you want to tell to make sure it will be well recieved, but this is a case of premeditated murders with no indication of a motive--good or bad.
It must be some really bad characters he awaits for a cold blooded murderer to fear them so.
AllI can add is that I think what you were tying to get at was that the crimes had been commited uncounciously? But if that's the case, I don't know what the hard work was that had paid off would refer to. I would just clarify that a bit more in the opening.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes though.
[This message has been edited by algaidaman (edited April 07, 2008).]
quote:
He waited – he knew the company that he was anticipating was coming for sure as he stood in fear, unwilling to flee.
This sentance really bothered me. Maybe something along the lines of:
He waited, unable to convince himself to flee. He knew those he waited for were sure to come, but that made no difference.
EDIT: Of course, then in the next sentance, he's running crazy, so I'm not sure what's going on in his mind.
[This message has been edited by Rhaythe (edited April 07, 2008).]
I'd also keep an eye out for things like this:
quote:
Logifer knew
Most of the time it's best just to have the POV character tell you. Really this is you telling the reader. ie: He felt, he saw, he heard. Most of the time it should just happen.
Good luck!
Jayson Merryfield
Logifer stood in his kitchen in total shock. His hard work had paid off, though he was unsure of the consequences.
This is telling and clunky. Show us what total shock is like.
Blood from the knife dripped on the kitchen floor. Logifer found himself panting, a cold sweat covered his face. His eyes were wide as he attempted to grasp what he had done.
Logifer knew he had committed the most gruesome murder to the highest degree.
Cut this, this is telling as well. Let the reader figure out for themselves how gruesome the murders are
Five corpses laid in the Living Room, while another two were carefully placed in the Kitchen.
This I liked but don't capitalize the rooms. Change 'laid' to 'lay' as well.
Logifer had just performed the most inexcusable crime.
Cut, its telling and redundant with the passage of two sentences before.
He waited – he knew the company that he was anticipating was coming for sure as he stood in fear, unwilling to flee.
Very clunky, 'was anticipating' is passive, the action doesn't fit with his thoughts either.
He tried to collect his thoughts. Company would be arriving soon.
Logifer ran through the kitchen, ransacking everything in sight.
This I liked.
Logifer started throwing everything down on the floor, whose objects were now being stained with the flesh blood on Logifer’s hands
You had the right idea here but this will make three 'Logifer's intwo sentences. 'Strated throwing' is passive as well. The second half of your sentence needs to be reworked as well, it falls outside of the POV that you established.
He threw everything on the floor, unaware that blood from his hands now stained the objects that he touched.
With a rework of the prose this could be a nice hook for the opening of a short story or prologue. You're on the right track. As it is, I wouldn't turn the page.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 08, 2008).]
Sorry I didn't take care of it earlier.