Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Last Will and Testament of Andrew-232

This is topic The Last Will and Testament of Andrew-232 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Here is my latest, a somewhat comedic SF. The draft is short around 2k. Looking for opinions on what route to go with it.

“When I die, oh man do I want to go out with a bang. Like a Viking you know, except I want my coffin to be a pod that gets launched up into the air over the bay, then missiles come up and blow to bits. Then fireworks. That is how I should go out,” said Mr. Ford.
Hearing the enthusiasm in his employer’s voice induced a strange sensation in Andrew. Regarding the raised follicles on his skin and involuntary twitch in his biomechanical spine, he snapped back into protocol.
“Shall I make these arrangements then Mr. Ford? I can prepare the documents right away,” Andrew said.
“You don’t get it do you Andrew? My movie career has been thwarted by these new simulators. And you artificial’s are taking

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

I'll take a quick look if you want.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

quote:
“When I die, oh man[,] do I want to go out with a bang. Like a Viking you know, except I want my coffin to be a pod that gets launched up into the air over the bay, then missiles come up and blow to bits. Then fireworks. That is how I should go out,” said Mr. Ford.
Hearing the enthusiasm in his employer’s voice induced a strange sensation in Andrew. Regarding [I would use "Noticing" here - "Regarding" is an awkward start because it could mean also mean "in regards to", as though Andrew was about to start discussing his raised folicles with Mr. Ford] the raised follicles on his skin [can you also qualify that his skin and follicles are artificial somehow?] and involuntary twitch in his biomechanical spine, he snapped back into protocol.
“Shall I make these arrangements then Mr. Ford? I can prepare the documents right away,” Andrew said.
“You don’t get it do you Andrew? My movie career has been thwarted by these new simulators. And you artificial’s are taking

So far it paints a pleasant picture of the start of a story, but I don't have a clue where it is going, or why I should care, so no hook.

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited April 08, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

It is difficult to critique dialog. Speech could be written so many ways and be correct. As a hook it doesn't grab me. You were on the right track but it's missing something.

Send the whole thing if you like.

Posted by branteaton (Member # 7782) on :

I had trouble with the opening lines, too, until I caught up with them as lines of dialogue. You can't correct the grammar of a character's speech. However the character would say it is "right." OTOH, best not to try the patience of the reader too much, too early?

I'd love to give the full story a read (in its current state).