Jen could not go with the wagon to get her father. The harbor bell rang the ship's return, and she remembered the library needed neatening, to hide her use of it as the peals filled the town streets. She had to send the boy Davey on without her. At the very first knock on the door, though, she went running to answer it as if she were a maid, and not the lady of the house. The sudden light of midmorning blinded her for a moment as she opened the door. She began to laugh with happiness to see him even before her eyes adjusted, before she saw he wasn't there. Instead of her father with his pudgy, whiskered smile, a sombre-eyed midshipman waited on the step with Davey. He held out a letter. As she took it, he turned away to carry in the one trunk in the wagon—the green one father filled just for her when he went trading. Trying not to panic, she stepped back
~I asked for critiquers, but I'm withdrawing that request. Only because I've gotten the help I needed elsewhere! Thanks!~
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 15, 2008).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Hmmm....whats the genre? Or, more specifically, is it fantastical in nature?
Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :
quote:Jen could not go with the wagon to get her father. (The wagon is leaving now, or is she thinking in the past?) The harbor bell rang the ship's return (The Ship? Does this have anything to do with the wagon?), and she remembered the library needed neatening (A wagon, library and a ship?), to hide her use of it as the peals filled the town streets(I don't understand this part). She had to send the boy Davey on without her(where?). At the very first knock on the door, though, she went running to answer it as if she were a maid, and not the lady of the house.
How much time does this paragraph cover? Is the first sentence around 8am and the last sentence around 6pm? I think too much is being introduced too early. I think it should be trimmed down a little, maybe remove two or three items and it'll make a lot more sense.
Cheers!
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
It's a fairy-tale retelling.
Withdrawing my request for full critiques: I think I've got it covered now.
Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :
This is really confusing. I need a little more grounding.