Kathy looked out over the desert dawn, and sighed. Today would be the day…after years of searching, she was about to achieve the goal she’d been working toward for so long, and secure herself a place in archaeological history.
“So, are we ready to uncover the wonders of the ancient world? All the lost mysteries of the supernatural?” Eric, her long time friend and archaeological partner, asked.
“I’ve been ready for the past year,” Kathy replied.
“Way longer than that, if you think about it.”
She nodded. “Yea, that’s true, but since we came to this site, and started finding ruins…that’s when I knew. Then it was just a matter of finding the spot…”
“And now it looks like we have…the Lost City…it isn’t going to be lost much longer.”
It's just not working. Probably the story starts right after you get this stuff out of your head and are off and running with the story.
I'm not really understanding...unless you start in the middle of a fight or whatever....the begining is...the begining.
What would you suggest? people have said these things to me several times, I guess I just dont know where to start a story other than at the begining, or right in the middle which is ok some times...but the trouble with that is, your reader doesnt have any idea whats going on, and your often just going to have to backtrack anyway and establish the situation.
Its conveying that their archaelogists, at a dig sight, uncovering a Lost City, and that Kathy has been searching for it for some time...or at least thats what I was going for. Does it not convey that? What else should it?
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 14, 2008).]
This sounds like a setup for a story--summary.
The main problem to me was that the characters don't sound like archeaologist. They sound more like teenagers to me.
Try to put yourself into the POV. Tell the story from it. Where does the story really start?
If they Know they are going to find this great secret. The story should start with them finding out how or what they were going to find.
"This is it, Michael. Everything is clear. The scripts, the coordinates, this has to be it."
Corny example, but...
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 14, 2008).]
Hmmm....ok. I thought that was more or less what it was.
They've found the place they are looking for. Its supposed to contain something, but what is vague...and what they actually find is not at all what was expected.
See thats the trouble with just 13 lines...its going to just be a setup. Or its going to plop you right in the middle.
So what would you suggest? Put them right at the doors of the inner temple that comes in shortly? How do I make em sound more "archaelogical?" they are long time friends...and they are speaking informally.
I am pretty new to this so you can take my beans for what they are, but I found that reading alot of short stories helped my see the components of a great short story.
Even better was hearing them. Try Escape Pod(SF) pseudopod (Horror) or Pod Castle(fantasy) They are free downloads of hundreds of short stories. It will help you alot. It really helped me to hear stories told, to understand how to Tell a story.
I am still working on it, but improving.
She's expecting like a library, that kind of thing...it turns out to be a person of...unusual skills.
quote:
See, I've read a lot of short stories...and plenty of them begin with an actual...begining...not necessarily a big bang or right in the middle...so thats why I'm not sure why so many seem to be acting like you MUST have action and/or definitve knowledge of most of whats going on in the first 2 paragraphs..
I don't think that is what anyone is saying, or they don't mean to say it like that.
A first 13 of a woman fixing her pocket watch with a pair of nail clippers could be an excellent start to a short story.
First 13 lines don't need to come in like a flying sidekick. All the first 13 should do is set the tone of your story.
What genre is the completed story supposed to be? Is it Dark, Campy or Filled with action?
quote:
All the first 13 should do is set the tone of your story.
I agree. And thats what I generally try to do. But so far the majority of the comments I've recieved have revolved around the pieces not being hooky enough, not enough happening etc etc.
Admitedly, I am knew to this whole critiqueing just the first 13 mainly for market purposes aproach so maybe I just need too adjust.
quote:
What genre is the completed story supposed to be? Is it Dark, Campy or Filled with action?
None of the above, really. It was originally intended as a pretty heavy duty morality play, but came out still a bit of a morality play but not as heavy.
I had originally envisioned the main character going rather mad with power, and maybe some really bad things happening, but it toned itself down a good deal as it went.
I'm getting the impression that this isn't what you are aiming for, however.
Try rewriting this first thirteen (and expand it, by all means, if you feel the urge, though you can only post 13 lines here on Hatrack) and try to focus on these three goals:
1. Allow us to experience this story through the eyes of your main character. We are seeing this adventure from Kathy's POV. Give us sensory details. Give us thoughts in the manner she would think them. When listening to Kevin, she wouldn't be thinking "he is my long time friend and archaeological partner," she'd be thinking about how he is interrupting her concentration, or how she can sense the anticipation in his voice.
2. Be subtle. Maybe not subtle, but measured. Don't feel the need to dump all of this information on us at once. Allow Kathy and Kevin to divulge whatever information you want in a natural and measured manner. Keep in mind, these people know things that will remain unspoken between them. Having them speak about things we feel they wouldn't naturally talk about will sound false. It's tricky, but ultimately rewarding.
3. Show, and do not tell. Yes, we've heard it hundreds of times. It is, however, the crux of the issue with this piece. You, the narrator, are telling us readers all about these two people. All about the situation. And, as narrator, you are generating false conversations to continue along this telling. Have your character show us the situation through their natural reactions to one another. Have Kathy comment internally to herself about things that she would likely be thinking about. Have the dialogue you write be real and assured, the same way you would speak to your own best-friend if you were in the same situation.
If you can accomplish these three things, I think you'll be well on your way. Best of luck!
Jayson Merryfield
At least you have no confusion here. I believe the last line could be a hook, but it needs to be set up better. Up til that point we only have dialogue. You could change some lines of dialogue and put in minor action, movement or such, or even more innner thought. For me I need to feel the building up to that moment of the hook.
A hook can be different for everyone. If you want to see fifteen different 13 line setups, go to the writing challenges section and look at the 13 line challenges, they are divided by week. You will see around fifteen different attempts at the same story synopsis. It shows all our awesome errors from too fast of a start, to too slow, confusing, and so on.
Anyways you have a hook here, it just needs to be shown in a different light.
Todd
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited April 15, 2008).]
Also, be aware that any time you use awkward punctuation, the reader notices. Using "..." every other line is very distracting, and makes the reader aware of the writer. If that happens, the spell is broken, you have to capture the reader again.
Make every thought come from character. Kathy is not thinking "there's Eric, my long time friend and archaeological partner." Show me their relationship, how they interact. If Kathy thinks about their relationship, then she must have a reason to. Maybe he has some mannerism that leads her to reflect about how he has always had that mannerism.
I agree that this story probably starts right after this. Start your story as close to the actual story as possible.
Edit: Hm. I just realized I pretty much repeated everything wolf_boy said. Oh well. Great minds...
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited April 15, 2008).]
Kathy (some action that shows us where she is – the desert, early morning. What happens then and there? Scratching sand flea bites? Tossing aside the dregs of coffee? Stretching muscles sore from sleeping on a hard cot? Pick one or two at most.)
“So, are we ready?” said Eric, coming up behind her.
“I’ve been ready for the past year,” Kathy replied.
(start the story rolling now with Kathy picking up a pick ax or turning on the electric generator or handing Eric fresh batteries for the big flashlights or nodding to the diggers – to break open the door to the tomb, or something that makes this the big moment when everything begins to change)
quote:
Admitedly, I am knew to this whole critiqueing just the first 13 mainly for market purposes aproach so maybe I just need too adjust.
Now it coincides with roughly the first page of a properly formatted manuscript, and obviously, if you want to get published, the editor is the one who matters most. Therefore, you want to put enough in the first 13 to make people want to read. People's strategies differ, but I don't think anyone is saying you need to adjust your first 13 just for marketing purposes. You do, however, need to think about your reader, and what effect your words are having on your reader.
Kathy looked out over the desert dawn, and sighed. Today, she was about to achieve the goal she’d been working toward for so long, and secure herself a place in archaeological history.
“So, are we ready to uncover the wonders of the ancient world and the mysteries of the supernatural?” Eric asked. He’d been with her every step of the way, and was just as excited as she was.
“I’ve been ready for the past year,” Kathy replied. “And even longer. But since we came to this site, and found the ruins, that’s when I knew.”
“The Lost City, but it won’t be lost anymore. And you’ll be the first one in.”
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 16, 2008).]
My take:
“So, are we finally ready to uncover the wonders of the ancient world and the mysteries of the supernatural?” Eric asked.
Kathy looked out over the desert dawn, and sighed with an inner satisfaction. "Don't you know it," she said.
She had been ready for the past year. Longer even. But today, after years of work, she would achieve the goal she’d been working toward for so long. Ever since they had found the ruins, she had known she would secure herself a place in archaeological history.
Eric, who had been with her every step of the way, was just as excited.“The Lost City is lost no more. And you, Kathy, will be the first one in.”
I tried not to alter your words much so this is not really that different, but you can see how this is more within her POV
I will probably use this much as you have it, but perhaps in a different order. I think I just some times have trouble knowing when something is better as dialogue or as narration.
If you send it, put "hatrack" in the subject line so I know it's not spam.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited May 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by supaflyza (edited May 12, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by supaflyza (edited May 12, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by supaflyza (edited May 12, 2008).]
But Kathy isn't really a showing of emotions type of person, which comes up a little bit later on. Things like that are why I have mixed feelings about trying to review just the very begining.
I'm game to read it all, if you'd like, but I'm having a couple of days R&R in the Lake District, so it'll probably be the weekend before I can get back to you with my comments. Send it on, if you can wait 'til then
Best wishes,
Paul