In the days and years after his death, Frank would be remembered only in the retelling of his story. It would, of course, change; Frank would become a knight, the dangers he faced would become trolls, the woman he saved would become beautiful, and his death would be at the hands of the time following happily ever after. The unfortunate truth of Frank’s reality wouldn’t even survive a generation past his untimely demise. By all accounts the facts about the events that led to his fatal encounter with heroism should only be told as embellishments and fairy tales, if only to preserve what little dignity remains with Frank in his unnatural afterlife. It was, after all, his dieing wish that none of us present to witness his quest relay the tale.
[This message has been edited by Stucky (edited April 16, 2008).]
I think the first sentence and the rest of it should be separate paragraphs; regardless, I love the opening. Second, the last sentence reads oddly and a little awkwardly; I had to read it twice to "hear" it right. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what you actually need to change to fix that.
answer: commas.
It was, after all, his dying wish, that none of us present to witness his quest, relay the tale.
or a rewrite:
His dying wish, after all, had been that none who witnessed his quest, should tell a soul.
probably not any better.
Thanks for posting this. Here are some thoughts, for what they're worth :-)
quote:
In the days and years after his death, Frank would be remembered only in the retelling of his story. It (I might prefer 'the story' instead of 'it') would, of course, change; Frank would become a knight, the dangers he faced would become trolls, the woman he saved would become beautiful, and his death would be at the hands of the time (would 'his death would be of old age' work better?) following (the?) happily ever after. (I might try a new paragraph here) The unfortunate truth of Frank’s reality wouldn’t even survive a generation past his untimely demise. By all accounts (a comma here, maybe?)the facts about the events that led to his fatal encounter with heroism should only be told as embellishments (I'd delete 'embellishments') and fairy tales, if only to preserve what little dignity remains with Frank in his unnatural afterlife. It was, after all, his dieing wish that none of us present to witness ('none of us who witnessed' seems simpler and clearer to me) his quest relay the tale.
I'd probably read on, to find out what disparities exist between the 'fairy tale' versions of Frank's quest, and the reality, and I guess you have the makings of comedy in that.
Good luck with it and best regards,
Paul
[This message has been edited by PaulUK (edited April 17, 2008).]
In the days and years after his death, Frank would be remembered only in the retelling of his story. The story would, of course, change; Frank would become a knight, the dangers he faced would become trolls, the woman he saved would become beautiful, and his death would be at the hands of the time following happily ever after. The unfortunate truth of Frank’s reality wouldn’t even survive a generation past his untimely demise. By all accounts the facts about the events that led to his fatal encounter with heroism should only be told as embellishments and fairy tales, if only to preserve what little dignity remains with Frank in his unnatural afterlife. It was, after all, his dying wish, that none of us who witnessed his quest, relay the tale.
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The story is not finished yet (i'm about 1000 words in) but if anyone is willing to look it over and help me out along the way, I'd appreciate it.
[and his death would be at the hands of the time following happily ever after.]
And for this:
[It was, after all, his dying wish, that none of us who witnessed his quest, relay the tale.]
I would disagree with the addition of the fourth comma in this sentence.
With very little certainty, I offer that the third comma might read better as a semi-colon (it seems to need some other sort of punctuation, as you're going from talking about him to relaying the particulars of the wish).
quote:
With very little certainty, I offer that the third comma might read better as a semi-colon (it seems to need some other sort of punctuation, as you're going from talking about him to relaying the particulars of the wish).
I agree that the fourth comma isn't necessary, but I don't think a semi-colon would be quite right; maybe a colon, or even an em-dash?
It was, after all, his dying wish: that none of us who witnessed his quest relay the tale.
or
It was, after all, his dying wish -- that none of us who witnessed his quest relay the tale.
Best wishes,
Paul
I've seen colons used without such, plenty of times. Bugger the grammar manual; I'd use a colon.
Aside from picky technicalities, I love it. The idea has me very much wanting to know what happens next, and the style has me anticipating large amounts of wry humor...
[This message has been edited by Rheniel (edited April 19, 2008).]
It was, after all, his dying wish that none of us who witnessed his quest relay the tale.
Colon usage depends somewhat on what style manual you use. In this case, i think a colon would work.
It was, after all, his dying wish: that none...
You could also do a rewrite:
After all, it had been his dying wish that none of us who witnessed his quest relate it.
I am intrigued by this opening. I'd love to read what you've got. If you like, send it along. It might take me a few days to get back to you, though.