The stairs suspended from the blood donation trailer bounced under the heavy tread of his boot. He licked his lips, cracked dryness melting slightly with the momentary moisture. His hand hesitated on the sun-warmed latch of the door, but it was the last sign of indecision he allowed.
The door came open with a small clack, and the white-bloused nurse smiled at him. He spared a moment of amusement for the girl - with a giant vial full of blood and grinning - looking innocent and helpful rather than manic.
"Have a seat in that chair, and I'll be right with you." She said, and then all he could see was the brown ponytail and poofy white scrunchy at the back of her head. Almost as ironic as the needle-and-grin, that.
Anyway... I'd love to see the rest- go ahead and email it to me and I'll check it out. - dstucky@emporia.edu
quote:
He spared a moment of amusement for the girl - with a giant vial full of blood and grinning - looking innocent and helpful rather than manic.
This passage is a little unclear to me, but I'm not sure why.
Maybe: He spared a moment of amusement for the grinning girl with a giant vial full of blood, looking innocent and helpful rather than manic.
Although I'm still not totally sure why she would be or look manic.
Still, pretty good I think.
Thanks for the correction; I meant "maniacal", rather a different thing. Apparently I had a moment of random vocabulary.
Thanks also for the sentence correction; that one sticks for me, too, but I like the image... Still not sure if I'll cut it or change it.
Also, I think it could be made easier to read with a few minor wording changes:
quote:
The stairs LEADING UP TO the blood donation trailer bounced under the heavy tread of his boot. He licked his lips, THEIR cracked dryness SOFTENING slightly with the momentary moisture. His hand hesitated on the sun-warmed latch of the door.It was the last sign of indecision he allowed.
The door came open with a small clack, and the white-bloused nurse smiled at him. He spared a moment of amusement for the girl - [NEED AN EM DASH] with a giant vial OF blood - GRINNING, looking innocent and helpful rather than manic.
"Have a seat in that chair, and I'll be right with you," she said [NOTE PUNCTUATION FIX]
You haven't lost me yet, but you haven't clearly got me either. At 6200 words, I'll only *promise* to read part, but I'll *plan* to read to the end, if that's OK.
The MC knows his name. It's not some sort of secret (at least not from what I can tell) It would fit right in the first sentence "bounced under the heavy tread of Pete's boot."
The "he spared a moment" sentence is confusing, but it sounds like you know what you need to do to fix that. You could break it into two (or more) sentences rather than using the em dash.
Good luck with this!
Nit: "...giant vial of blood..." This is not clear - it's an oxymoron since a vial by definition is a small container. When you say "giant vial" I have no idea how large that is.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 21, 2008).]
Other than that and other errors that people have already pointed out, there's not much for me to complain about. Though that's not saying much, since I'm still relatively new at critiquing other people's work.
quote:Both of these are cases where the clauses? do not connect with their object. ( I am obviously NOT an English professor. ) In the first case, having his lips cracked prior to the comma would suffice. In the second case, I want to know why the nurse is maniacal.
He licked his lips, cracked dryness melting slightly with the momentary moisture... He spared a moment of amusement for the girl - with a giant vial full of blood and grinning - looking innocent and helpful rather than manic.