Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Ryel's Chronicle 11 pages 2,400 words

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Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

Tales of the Shadow Guild: Ryel's Chronicle
Fantasy
2400 words
1st draft

“Excuse me, can you help me?” The woman looked as if she had never been into the market without an armed escort, yet here she was. The boy, looking up, asked her what she needed. “I just need a new set of shoes for my horse.”
The boy, glad to have some sort of diversion, nodded then ducked away to fetch his master. Though he would have been glad to help the lady himself, he had only started at the Smithy a month ago. He was still given all the menial tasks. He came around the back of the shop and grabbed his master's attention.
“What is it boy,” his voice was gruff from years of working with a forge. “It better be good, or you'll get such a whipping, you’ll not sit for a week!”

Looking for invites to read more or just critique on the 13 lines. Bear in mind that I realize that this isn't very good and that I am currently rewriting it.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

It almost sounds like the beginning few lines should be all dialog. I chopped it up using the same words that you have to show as an example

quote:

"Excuse me, can you help me?" The woman looked as if she had never been into the market without an armed escort, yet here she was.
"What do you need" The boy said, looking up.
"I just need a new set of shoes for my horse."
The boy nodded, glad to have some sort of diversion, then ducked away to fetch his master. Though he would have been glad to help the lady himself, he had only started at the Smithy a month ago. He was still given all the menial tasks. He came around the back of the shop and grabbed his master's attention.
“What is it boy,” his voice was gruff from years of working with a forge. “It better be good, or you'll get such a whipping, you’ll not sit for a week!”

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
Though he would have been glad to help the lady himself, he had only started at the Smithy a month ago. He was still given all the menial tasks.

I'd make it all one sentence with "Though he would have been glad to help the lady himself, he had only started at the Smithy a month ago, so he was still given all the menial tasks."

I'll read the whole thing if you like.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

"The woman looked as if she had never been to the store without an armed escort, yet here she was."

I admit I have never seen a woman in a store with an armed escort - I have no idea what they look like. So, this drew a complete blank for me. What exactly does such a woman look like?

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

to be entirely honest, this draft is around 4 years old, the second draft is going much better. I point everyone in that direction.