A young woman of particular beauty led a sable pony through the main square of the village. Drawing curious glances as she went; she made her way towards the blacksmith’s shop and the young boy clearing the doorstep of the freshly fallen snow.
“Boy,” said the woman with an authority born of her station. “Boy, go fetch your master for me, now.”
Without a word, he ran through the wide barn doors leaving the lady with her pony. The was immediately warmed by the heat of the forge where a large burly man was putting the finishing touches upon an elegant rapier that had been commissioned by the local baron.
Hearing the boy enter the Blacksmith Irvul placed down his tools and rounded upon him.
For now just looking for critique on the first 13 and the whole story.
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 17, 2009).]
quote:
A young woman of particular beauty led a sable pony through the main square of the village. Drawing curious glances as she went; (1) she made her way towards the blacksmith’s shop and the young boy clearing the doorstep of the freshly fallen snow.
“Boy,” said the woman with an authority born of her station. (2) “Boy, go fetch your master for me, now.”
Without a word, he ran through the wide barn doors leaving the lady with her pony. The (3) was immediately warmed by the heat of the forge where a large burly man was putting the finishing touches upon an elegant rapier that had been commissioned by the local baron.
Hearing the boy enter the Blacksmith Irvul placed down his tools and rounded upon him.
1. The rhythm of these sentences isn't sounding right. Either this line needs to be part of the sentence preceding it (separated by a comma), or it should be connected to the next line, again using a comma. Using a semi-colon indicates this as a separate sentence, in which case the line would need to be reworded since it doesn't really stand on its own.
2. This bit here is telling, and is already redundant. We can assume that, since she is so beautiful, and people are paying so much attention to her, that she isn't quite the same station as the common peasant. Also, the manner she speaks in and the words she uses connote authority. Replacing this line with some tidbit about how she spoke (with a tight lipped frown; without deigning to meet the boys gaze) would be, for me, a more effective approach.
3. This is minor - I assume you meant to say He.
This is pretty good - I'd probably read a page or two more to determine if I liked it enough. I'm not getting a good sense of the POV in this story, though. First we're following the girl, then the boy. Which is it? Which is the more important character? Since this piece is only 1,400 words long, it would be good to expend some time focusing on your primary character.
Your opening line (A woman of particular beauty...) stuck out to me, but I decided that I liked it. It reminded me of the opening of the movie Unforgiven, where a character is described in a semi-mythic way, apart from the main part of the narrative. That, the promise of a mythic beauty, would almost be enough to make me reading further all on its own. Good job.
Jayson Merryfield
I'd maybe drop the second "boy"
quote:
Hearing the boy enter the Blacksmith Irvul placed down his tools and rounded upon him.
I think "put down his tools" or "place his tools down upon...the worktable whatever" might be better.
I'm still open to read whatever you may have whenever your ready.
"Curse you boy," Irvul said, "the Baron wants this by the morning..."
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 16, 2009).]