This one's been composting in my story file for the last who-knows-when. Then I remembered Heinlein's rules of writing--finish what you write, or what not, so I figured, okay, it's done, I should solicit comments.
So. It's sci fi, about 2200 words. Comments on first 13 and offers to read gratefully accepted.
The Frog
Ginny pushed her toe in the dust. "Do you think it's still alive?"
Simon looked at the ragged, plastic box he’d set on the ground. "The Professor should be able to fix him up."
Ginny wished her brother would let her look in the box again, to stare at the little frog they had caught, but Simon had said the shock might kill it. Then Simon said they'd better take it to the Professor as soon as possible. Even though, Ginny wanted to point out, she was the one who had caught it.
Such a rare thing, to find the little frog. There had been a patch of mud in the old stream since they'd had a little more rain than usual. They'd gone out there to look for frogs for
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 23, 2008).]
quote:
Ginny wished her brother would let her look in the box again, to stare at the little frog they had caught, but Simon had said the shock might kill it. Then Simon said they'd better take it to the Professor as soon as possible.
The 2 Simons feel a little repetitive to me, I'd make the second one a "he."
quote:
There had been a patch of mud in the old stream since they'd had a little more rain than usual.
I'm not sure about this. It seems off to me, for some reason. I may just be tired though...maybe a comma after the stream?
I'll read the whole thing if you like.
quote:
The Frog
Ginny pushed her toe in the dust. "Do you think it's still alive?"Simon looked at the ragged[Perhaps a better adjective, There is nothing wrong with ragged except it makes me think fabric. I associate battered or something hard sounding with plastic], plastic box he’d set on the ground. "The Professor should be able to fix him up."
Ginny wished her brother would let her look in the box again, to stare at the little frog they had caught, but Simon had said the shock might kill it. Then Simon said they'd better take it to the Professor as soon as possible. Even though, Ginny wanted to point out, she was the one who had caught it.
Such a rare thing, to find the little frog. There had been a patch of mud in the old stream since they'd had a little more rain than usual. They'd gone out there to look for frogs for
I would have prefered to see most of this in dialogue.
"I found it. I want to look at it."
It starts with dialogue, then it is on to Simon Said.
Yet it all seems it should be spoken.
I am not picking up on genre or speculative elements. As it reads it seems it could be anything from a childrens novel, to a horror.
I will look this over if you want.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 24, 2008).]
"Ginny wished ber brother would let her look in the box again, to stare at the little frog they had caught." This sentence can be streamlined. "Ginny wished (instead of wishing, why not let her go ahead and ask?) her brother would let her look at the frog in the box again." or something like that. "...they had caught." Not needed and redundant - since if it is in a box we know it has been caught.
I also agree with the comment on "ragged." Maybe scuffed or something similar.
I also agree this opening might be stronger with more dialogue to carry the intro forward.
"Ginny wanted to point out..." Well why not let her point it out? I think this would be stronger if she did.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 24, 2008).]
I'll read--and crit.
Your first 13 'hooked' me
I'm happy to offer a crit of the whole thing, if you want.
Regards,
Paul
quote:
Even though, Ginny wanted to point out, she was the one who had caught it.
Its not clear what action "Even though" is referring to. Is Ginny slightly put out that she can't look in the box again or does she want to be the one taking it to the professor?
Its a good emotional hook; a mix of excitement and frustration that would benefit from clarifying the activity that arouses it.
[This message has been edited by mrmccoy (edited April 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mrmccoy (edited April 24, 2008).]
Monstewer, i was wondering if you'd pop in!
quote:
Send it my way please. I owe you one.
edited to fix typo
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited April 25, 2008).]
Some nits:
Did Ginny push her toe at the dust, or the plastic box lying in the dust where Simon had put it? (I guess it's important to establish dust and dryness, but for me the image, and the idea that she might wonder if the dust was alive, was momentarily wrong.)
In para 3, the two mentions of "Simon" are too close together for my taste; the second could be a "he" methinks. I like Ginny being anxious to point out she'd found it--establishes her youth.
Would it be better to write, "Such a rare thing to find, the little frog"? Kids can find anything, and by moving the comma, maybe it's more clear that it's the frog that's rare, not the finding.
"There had been a patch of mud in the old stream ..." puzzled me until I figured out the old stream had probably dried up--how would you see mud in a stream, I wondered. Perhaps something like, "A patch of mud had appeared in the old dried-up stream-bed, since they'd had a little more rain than usual"? (But less clunky.)
I'll happily read it, but feedback will be delayed several days due to other commitments.
Hope this helps,
Pat