Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sunset in Wyoming

This is topic Sunset in Wyoming in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003048

Posted by psnede on :

The title is just a placeholder. Short story still in its infancy. Also, I think I often struggle with having the "hook" element in my openings. I'd appreciate specific comments on that as well (perhaps a 1-10 ranking, 10 being "please let me read this now!", 1 being just plain cruel).

Any comments are always appreciated.

Ross knocked on the old rugged door of the farmhouse to no avail. The house appeared to be deserted and the grain fields had run wild. Of all places to be abandoned - right in the middle of Wyoming. This was the first time he had run out of gas and he resolved that it would be the last.
It had been over an hour since he had passed a gas station, and come to think of it, since he had even seen anyone. Nonetheless, Ross walked back down the dirt road to where his Ford Taurus had mustered its last breath. Someone would come by sooner or later. He looked up towards the highway and noticed that his car was gone. His heart quickened and he raced towards the shoulder of the road.

[This message has been edited by psnede (edited April 26, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I'd say you grabbed attention, although as yet theres not really a speculative element.

For myself I'd say perhaps a 7 or so.

quote:
Ross walked back down the dirt road to where his Ford Taurus had mustered its last breath

"mustered" isn't really the right word here, I don't think. "breathed its last breath" or "choked out its last breath" or something like that.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I'd give it a 5. It's mildly interesting. Certainly the fact that his car is gone indicates a change. But running out of gas in the middle of nowhere has been used in many horror movies, and in and of itself, isn't quite interesting to me. Nevertheless, the writing is smooth enough that I'd probably turn the page and give it another paragraph or two.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 26, 2008).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

You could make it more speculative by him turning away, and moments later his car has disappeared without a sound.

Also, was he abandoned? To be abandoned you need to be with someone previously so they could then abandon you. It sounds to me he has run out of gas and so cannot continue his journey--I would do it such:

Of all places to run out of gas--right in the middle of Wyoming...

...or substitute 'stranded' for abandoned.

I would reverse the first two sentences, as well, as he would have spotted the fields before knocking on the door. It's a good idea to keep it chronological.

The farmhouse appeared to be deserted and the grain fields ran wild. Ross knocked on the old rugged door, but to no avail.

4 to 5 out of ten. Don't take that wrong, the prose is OK and the hook mild, but evident. Still, it is not on a par with the best 13 lines I have ever read. I have read published (pro's, not published guys like us!) authors whose 13 lines I would score 3-4 compare against stuff I really like.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 26, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I think this needs a more active voice from the POV character.

Intended as a humourous example:

Come on someone be home He knocked on the carpet door to the shack, but his only answer was a mouthful of dust."Hello. Anyone here? My car ran out of gas down the road," he shouted.

We need to experience this from his viewpoint.

a "Whoa! here the hell did my car go?" feeling

I give this a six that could be easily turned into an 8 or 9 by strenghtening the voice.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

"...rugged door..." not sure I've ever read a door described as rugged before - not sure what it means. "...the old weathered door..." is more definitive or something similar.

"Of all the places to be abandoned = right in the middle of Wyoming." This slows the momentum of the story and feels too much like author intrusion - the reader knows he is in a fix without this.

"...mustered its last breath." Maybe "sputtered to a stop" or something like it.

The prose in general could be trimmed for words not needed, keep only the critical information. It also seems to need something else - another "ingredient" - maybe he finds something interesting at the farmhouse, or hears something, something that would add a little more interest. I give it a 5

Posted by psnede on :

Okay, good feedback... I like it...

Few return comments:

Mer-Em: I agree and would change the word, "mustered." I guess the only speculative element is that the car disappeared, but it didn't become a focus of the first 12.

annepin: yeah, perhaps the hook may be a little cliche, the reader thinking, "haven't i read this before?"

skadder: very good input. i think one of my problems is that i tend to just start the story wherever comes to mind. i hint at a speculative element, but i am not making it a focus of the first 12. the word stranded is the correct word, not the word i used (but they do rhyme, so there lies my error). i like the input about the chronology as well.

bent tree: yes, i understand your point about a stronger POV. really, the only reason the reader knows the POV for my story is that there are no other characters yet introduced. i think i tend to shy away from inner dialogue, but perhaps that makes for more zzzzzzzzzz..

nitewr: I was surprised you picked out "rugged" as an odd adjective; but hey, if you found it out of place, most likely others may as well. i think the sentence "of all places..." is weak, as you correctly point out. if i were to finish this story, i would definitely eliminate/change it.

in all, thanks all for the feedback. i still need a lot of work in terms of content. my notes to myself:
- focus more on the hook (speculative element, in particular)
- be careful of word choice (clearly a couple of wrong words used)
- writing seems to be decent from comments received, but just need to make sure i'm not using words to fill up space.

well, next writing challenge, i'll give it a go...

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Not to contradict my comrades or anything, but I personally liked the use of the word "rugged."

Also, I think the disappearance of the car is good as an initial speculative element...just make it clear that it disappeared suddenly...he didn't just leave it in neutral by mistake and it rolled away etc.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I'm no good at hooks myself. I like your writing, and have enough of a feel for where this seems to be going I would say it's a 6 - 7.

One thing that needs clarifying for me:

quote:
Ross walked back down the dirt road to where his Ford Taurus had mustered its last breath. <This sounds like he reached the car, and that it was in sight at this moment.> Someone would come by sooner or later. He looked up towards the highway and noticed that his car was gone. < OK, now he's looking somewhere that he hasn't reached yet and can't see his car, which means he hadn't reached it before.> His heart quickened and he raced towards the shoulder of the road.

If he never reached the car, then he should be walking "...toward where his Ford Taurus...", and I need to know if he ever sees the car, or if he had to walk so far that it was out of sight from the farm house, and he has walk back some time before he can see that it's gone.

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited April 27, 2008).]