Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Katich & White

This is topic Katich & White in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

Eamonn Katich’s wife had been dead for seven years when he saw her walking past Franz Tucok’s graffiti-stained window.
Katich had cried out incoherently while trying to keep sight of that white-blonde hair drifting through the throng of humans and kerondans and restonas crowding the streets. He leaped from the still moving hover car, the sodden road veering beneath him as he fought to keep his feet. And then he was running, running as fast as he could. Hover cars whooshed over his head and to either side of him and still he could see that white-blonde hair, further away now, a vision of light and beauty in a sea of black and grey and neon-blue. He ran faster.
Bodies seemed to fight against him, grey-haired ancients with frail bodies clinging to shopping carts, three-legged mestons

All comments are much appreciated and if anybody wants to read the whole thing, it's sci-fi--or are they calling it sci-fantasy these days? Anyway, whatever it is, it's a shade under 5k. Thanks

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Just send me the whole thing please :-)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Just a quick comment. 'Hover cars' seems a bit dated. The concept is fine but a better more tech name would make it more sci-fi and less retro sci-fi.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

You always have such great names! The set up on this (man sees dead wife) seems a bit cliche. I think the opening would be more powerful if you gave us a bit more insight into what his situation is. While the description of what he has to wade through to get to her does well in conveying scene, atmosphere, world-building, and his desperation, it doesn't do a lot of story-telling which, at this early stage, might be more important.

Sci fi, sci-fantasy, whatever, I'd be happy to read it, if you like!

Posted by PaulUK (Member # 7906) on :

Hi monstewer,

The first thing that struck me about this was that it -- somehow -- reminded me of the city in 'BladeRunner' (and that's not a criticism, by the way!) There's enough going on here to keep me interested, and I'm happy to offer a crit of the whole, if you want it.

Cheers,

Paul

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

If you are not hoping to get this back before Friday, I can take a look.

Posted by mrmccoy (Member # 7930) on :

The passive voice of the opening sentence weakens the effect of a shocking event.

Try something along the lines of: Seven years after she died, Eamonn's wife walked past him...

Watching his wife walk past Tucok's window wouldn't have been such a shock for Eamonn, if she hadn't been dead for seven years.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

Good start. A few quibbles and suggestions and some compulsive messin' with your prose:

quote:

Eamonn Katich’s wife had been dead for seven years when he saw her walking past Franz Tucok’s [Franz Tucok is awesome, but it makes the first line a little name-heavy. You might want to just use the surname?] graffiti-stained window.

Aside from the passive voice mentioned above, it might add impact if you show his reaction first and then explain it.

quote:

Eamonn Katich was driving by Tucok’s grocery store when he saw his wife walking past the graffiti-stained window. He paled, swerved and braked so hard he almost left the road. He had buried Kaitlin these seven years past.

quote:

Katich had cried out incoherently while trying to keep sight of that white-blonde hair drifting through the throng of humans and kerondans and restonas crowding the streets. [A little slow? Perhaps chop the previous phrase up?]He leaped from the still moving hover car, the sodden road veering beneath him as he fought to keep his feet. And [”and" seems redundant with “then”]then he was running, running as fast as he could. Hover cars whooshed over his head and to either side of him and still he could see that white-blonde hair, further away now, a vision of light and beauty [the vision of light and beauty distracts me]in a sea of black and grey and neon-blue. He ran faster.

Great, a chase scene!

quote:

He leaped from the still moving hover car, the sodden road veering beneath him as he fought to keep his feet. Ahead, Kaitlin's white-blond hair bobbed and weaved through the throng of humans, kerondans and restonas that crowded the streets. Then he was running, running as fast as he could. Hover cars whooshed over his head and to either side of him. Still he could see that white-blonde hair, further away now, receding through a sea of black and grey and neon-blue. He ran faster.

I'd be happy to read and crit, if you like.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

Hi Martin,
I'd be happy to read this.
Jon.