Here's my first fragment here. I'd like comments on this beginning, as well as volunteers to read the whole thing. It's only about 1000 words total.
Brett
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"Jenny, this is Mrs. Parsons. She likes her tea with milk and honey," Ashley said. She poured nothing from the tea pot into a tiny tea cup. The doll in the chair to Ashley's left had a big head and shiny black hair. I picked up a small spoon and dipped it in a little pot. I put the spoon into Mrs. Parsons cup. Ashley poured imaginary milk from the creamer.
I put the cup in front of Mrs. Parsons. I got cold and my neck prickled. The tea cup across from Ashley rattled. Ashley brightened and said, "Oh, Miss Violet is here. She's my special friend. The usual, Violet? Tea and sugar?" She poured from the tea pot. The prickling and cold made me shiver a bit.
"No, you dumb girl!" The voice was clear. I sat still, unable to move. I looked at the empty chair.
Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :
Definitely intriguing. A young girl with an imaginary friend who isn't so imaginary. I can't find anything grammatically wrong with this but I'm sure other people will be able to.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Hmmm. The descreption of the fake tea party is a little dense maybe, and with the first person we come into it not really knowing whats going on.
Maybe describe what (I presume Jenny) is seeing before going into that.
I'll have a look at the whole thing if you like.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
For me the doll tea party -- as the first thing we experience -- went on too long. I got the idea early and had to sit (read) through a couple of sentences reiterating what I felt I had already understood before anything interesting happened.
Just my opinion. The next two paragraphs bothered me, too. Fr some reason the line about "I got cold and my neck prickled" just didn't seem right. Was it a reaction with no stimulus here? Something like that? And you lost the energy of the verbal exchange between Ashley and Miss Violet when you inserted the business about pournig and shivering breaking up the exchange.
Hmm..and, if she is unable to move, how does she "look" at the empty chair? She must be staring at it or she is able to move a little, isn't she? More like --
A sudden chill filled the air around me. The tea cup across from Ashley rattled. Ashley brightened and said, "Oh, Miss Violet is here. She's my special friend. The usual, Violet? Tea and sugar?"
"No, you dumb girl!" The voice was clear. I sat still, unable even to shiver. I looked at the empty chair.
Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :
It's sufficiently creepy. The hook is there.
There are so many characters here - we have Jenny, Mrs. Parsons, Ashley, me (the narrator), Violet and the 'voice'. I had a hard time figuring out who's who and who was doing what.
The line "I got cold and my neck prickled" isn't doing it. This is a pivotal line. Give it a bit more drama.
I'm willing to take a look at the whole thing.
Posted by slocum (Member # 7925) on :
quote:There are so many characters here - we have Jenny, Mrs. Parsons, Ashley, me (the narrator), Violet and the 'voice'. I had a hard time figuring out who's who and who was doing what.
Hmm, the narrator is Jenny. Mrs. Parson's is a doll. I'll make sure to attribute the dialog better in the full story.
Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
This has promise, but I must agree that the first paragraph drags on too long. A few other nits exist but there is a good hook and the promise of a good story. Question: is Jenny an adult joining a child's tea party or a friend? It will make all the difference to your story.
As this is quite short I would gladly read it for you; send it along.
Posted by slocum (Member # 7925) on :
No, both Jenny and Ashley are six, just starting first grade.
Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :
I have to ponder the beginning to be able to give you feedback, but initially, it's intriguing.
Please send it along to me if you like. I'm definitely hooked, and this is my kind of story!
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
I'll take a look, too. Put hatrack in the email subject line so I know it's from here, not spam
Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :
Sorry. I fixed my profile. Thanks for letting me know.
Posted by supaflyza (Member # 7965) on :
I find the rhythm of the sentences rather staccato-like, in that the flow stops and starts abruptly. Short sentences are fine, but there are too many of them here & a lot of "I did this" & "I did that", which becomes quite repetitive. It also takes a while until the reader is able to distinguish that Jenny is the narrator & Mrs Parsons is the doll. This is because there is no clear indication of who the opening sentence is directed at. Either Jenny is being introduced to Mrs Parsons, or the other way around. There is also a lot of action going on, with Ashley hosting an imaginary tea party and Jenny participating. However, the narrator's actions and Ashley's are thrown together in a confusing manner, in that it's not totally clear who is doing what and when.