Please note that I've posted a revised introduction, below.
Kim Kipling sat in the third floor briefing room and watched with a slightly puzzled frown as fifteen billion yen vanished before her eyes. That the money was neither hers nor even strictly speaking real did little to heighten her interest--after all she was a psychologist, not an accountant or a software engineer. She struggled to maintain an expression of polite concern as the simulation cycled through ever more complex re-enactments of the moon’s latest and most expensive bout of amnesia.
Outside, the low roofs of the Quito faculty allowed for an unobstructed view of the volcanic peaks to the North and East. At this altitude, the upper slopes remained snowbound even in high-summer and they burned octane-orange in the light of the
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited May 04, 2008).]
But the good thing is that I WANT to read more..and that's what matters in the first few lines of a story.
The first line, "Kim Kipling sat in the third floor briefing room and watched with a slightly puzzled frown as fifteen billion yen vanished before her eyes. " is a nice hook--but it's undone by the next sentence, when we learn that it's not real money. If she doesn't care, neither do I. And what does a presumably large amount of money vanishing look like? Also, how, I wondered, can a moon get amnesia? (Yes, a hook can include a question, but I need to understand it to care about it.)
I'm not sure how low roofs can allow an unobstructed view of mountains, unless the building Kim's in is higher than those around. Snow-bound slopes for me are white, so I'd suggest establishing the octane-orange light earlier in order that the reader doesn't have to mentally undo a white snow image--and what is "octane-orange"?
Why is she maintaining an expression of polite concern? Is there someone else in the room, or is the simulation capable of interacting with her?
Hope this helps,
Pat
Also, you go from this hook that has my attention, to a description of scenery.
My advice is to spend more time on the simulation, give me vivid details, let me know what's going on, and why I should care.
Not that scene setting is wrong for an intro. Perhaps it is just my preference, but I want to meet the character. I suppose it is a balance.
I'd say deeper POV would make this shine.
This, in my opinion, is the hook. And it's a very good hook. The description in the next paragraph did dilute that marvelous hook, but if paragraph three returns to the story, it can go.
I'd be willing to read the whole thing if it continued in this vein.
There is a story lurking in here and I absolutely want my readers to turn the page and find it
Jamie, did your comment mean that you'd like to see the whole piece? I'd hate to drop 10,000 words on your lap without being certain that you want 'em!
quote:
Kim Kipling sat in the third floor briefing room and watched with a puzzled frown as fifteen billion yen vanished before her eyes. One-by-one, glowing and immensely valuable chunks of data dissolved away into a fine mist of computer code which meant little more than mandarin to the young psychologist. She struggled to follow as the simulation cycled through ever more complex re-enactments of the moon’s latest and most expensive bout of amnesia.Outside, the low roofs of the Quito faculty allowed for an unobstructed view of the volcanic peaks to the North and East. At this altitude, the upper slopes remained snowbound even in high-summer and they burned octane-orange in the sunset.
Her headband sensed that her mind was wandering. Before
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited May 04, 2008).]
?IS this your Q3?
If you can withstand a four or five day turn, I will be happy to go over this.