Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sarai - Flash Fiction

This is topic Sarai - Flash Fiction - 1,300 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I don't know that this really works, but it's the first thing I've completed in far too long. I've got four pretty good beginnings of stories that make me feel ill, so I thought I'd try and stretch this to its conclusion. It needs those final 300 words trimmed too, but that'll be my job. Might have to lose a scene, since i have trouble getting much more than 10% out at a time.

Comments & critiques on the first thirteen, and readers as well, if you've got the time.

quote:
It was raining again in Des Moines. Clouds fell across the city as the evening had crept on, and now as the last crimson of the sunset faded from the sky, the floodgates were opened and the thick summer air gave way to sheets of water. Caius shrugged deeper into his trench coat and put his back to the wind, trying to shelter the old man crouched before him, huddled under a sheet of aluminum roofing.
“Come on, man, get back in the car. We barely have enough charge left to get back to the precinct.”
Caius ignored his partner and knelt on the broken pavement next to the old man. “How long since you seen her?” he said.
“It been two weeks, anyways. She gone man. Headed for the city.”
Caius nodded and turned back towards the patrol car.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

I'd be happy to read it. Send it my way if you want.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

A few thoughts...

quote:

It was raining again in Des Moines. Clouds fell across the city as the evening had crept on [This reads strangely, to me. More natural might be: Clouds had fallen across the city as the evening crept on.]. [I think this would read more smoothly with a stop here] Now, as the last crimson of the sunset faded from the sky, the floodgates were[word choice: had] opened and the thick summer air gave way to sheets of water. Caius shrugged deeper into his trench coat and put his back to the wind, trying to shelter the old man crouched before him, huddled under a sheet of aluminum roofing.
The dialog confuses me. More so because it's unattributed. I know you tell us who's speaking in the next line, but by then I'm worrying about information flow and not the story. An easy fix would be to mention his partner who is standing behind him looking pissed off.
“Come on, man, get back in the car. We barely have word choice: we've barely enough charge left to get back to the precinct.”
Caius ignored him[if you go with something like what I suggested above] and knelt on the broken pavement next to the old man. “How long since you seen her?” he said [word choice: asked].
“It been two weeks, anyways [“anyways” confuses me here. It seems to belong more naturally to the next sentence]. She gone man. Headed for the city.”
Caius nodded and turned back towards the patrol car.

That would give something like:

quote:

It was raining again in Des Moines. Clouds had fallen across the city as the evening crept on. Now, as the last crimson of the sunset faded from the sky, the floodgates had opened and the thick summer air gave way to sheets of water. Caius shrugged deeper into his trench coat and put his back to the wind, trying to shelter the old man crouched before him, huddled under a sheet of aluminum roofing.
Behind him, his partner, Steadman, peered out of the car window. “Come on, man, get back in the car. We've barely enough charge left to get back to the precinct.”
Caius ignored him and knelt on the broken pavement next to the old man. “How long since you seen her?” he said.
“It been two weeks. Anyways, she gone man. Headed for the city.”
Caius nodded and turned back towards the patrol car.

I'd be happy to take a look at the whole piece, if you want to send it over.

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

I agree with the others, esp. Toby Western. Another thing you can do to cut it down is to get rid of the passive sentence structures. (My pet peeve). They serve a purpose, but I don't agree they should be splayed throughout the piece.

Send it to me if you like. I'd be happy to read it and give you feedback, just let me know how much you want. I can do a general comment or nit-picky. Either is fine with me!

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

quote:
Another thing you can do to cut it down is to get rid of the passive sentence structures.

Perhaps I'm mistaken about what a passive sentence is - where the subject of the sentence is passively having an action performed on it, vs. an active sentence where the subject is actively performing an action. Correct definition? Maybe I'm not seeing it seacat, but could you point out the passive sentences for me?

And, Toby, seacat.... headed your way. It's already off to Tiergan. Thanks guys.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

I fear that seacat is conflating static sentences (with "was" as the verb) with passive sentences, as you describe them, Wolfe_boy.

For those who are confused regarding the correct definition of "passive," there is a list of topics in which passive is discussed in the FAQs area:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum3/HTML/000016.html

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Thanks Kathleen.

Is there any discussion/opinion on the quality of static sentences vs..... um, dynamic sentences? The differences between them? This topic is new to me.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

I'll take a look at this if you're still in the market.

Edited to fix typo.

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited May 07, 2008).]

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

My understanding of dynamic versus static sentences is this. A static sentence has a form of "to be" combined with a progressive tense verb. For example:

The guard was standing at the door. (Static)

The guard stood at the door. (dynamic)

I think static language has its uses, as passive may be used in some circumstances, but is to be avoided in excess.

When revising I often use the find feature to search for 'was' and make sure that I haven't slipped into the 'was(verb)ing' trap. (It is surprising how often it occurs and how much better the writing is when fixed.)
Also search "had been (verb)ing.

Posted by PaulUK (Member # 7906) on :

Hi Wolfe_boy,

I actually quite liked this opening, and it did make me want to read more. I'm happy to review the whole piece, if you want.

Cheers,

Paul

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

If you're looking to trim to hit 1k words for a flash publication, you have an opportunity with the several lines you devote to description of the rain. Unless it hasn't rained in Des Moines in over 200 days, it's not worth the 46 words you've spent on it. Particularly not if this is speculative flash fiction. In spec flash, get that speculative element out front, pronto.

Agree on dialogue attributions. What's funny is you put a "he said" on the one line that has a beat associated with it, so it tripped me up. Reason: There are three "he"s so far in the story, Caius, unnamed partner, unnamed old man croached under aluminum. (opportunity - describe the aluminum rather than calling it "roofing" - huddled under a torn piece of corrugated aluminum with a faint soda can logo on it...) So, you introduce that line of dialogue with Caius' beat (his action) - but then you tag it with "he said" which made me do a mental double-take. Which he?

And in the line presumably said by the old man, is it supposed to be "She gone, man." Or is it supposed to be "She gone mad" ? It seems like either there's a comma missing, or man was supposed to be mad.

There's the start of a hook here, but it's taking you too long to get to it. I also don't understand why Caius ignores his partner to ask the old man this question, but then the information he gets from the old man apparently does nothing to affect Cauis' behavior, he just heads back to the patrol car? That was not what I expected.

I hope this is helpful. As always, take what works, leave the rest.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

When I hit the word "floodgates" I took it literally at first. It doesn't seem to fit for me. I don't have time for more, sorry.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

Jayson,
I forgot to mention in my critique that you need to have more of a speculative hook. This story could take place today or anytime. The speculative element may have escaped me, but the car door and the general decay were the only hints I detected.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
Is there any discussion/opinion on the quality of static sentences vs..... um, dynamic sentences? The differences between them?

Cheyne has it about right, though truly static sentences don't have any action at all:

quote:
Her hair was brown. Her eyes were blue. Her skin was green.

It is possible to make description, which can tend to be static, dynamic. I found the description in Charles Frazier's COLD MOUNTAIN to be quite dynamic. Instead of just sitting in the background being mountains, his mountains loomed or marched.

quote:
Her brown hair shimmered against the green of her skin, and her eyes twinkled blue as she smiled at him.

Or some such.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Thanks Kathleen, and everyone else who critiqued both my first 13 and my full MS. I'll take all of your comments into consideration as I edit this weekend.

Jayson Merryfield