Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Quick Satire

This is topic Quick Satire - 319 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

I've burned through pages and pages trying to get a satire I was happy with for a class I'm taking. About 15 minutes I sat down at a computer and *poof* out it popped. If you'd like to read the whole thing (your half-way there as it is) I'd really appreciate it.

Also, if you know a noun for the people in a line, I'd love to be able to reword the second sentence. (I know that's a little unclear so I'll give you an example - the people in a building are inhabitants)

Without further ado (about nothing)....

quote:

It was only eight-thirty and already the line stretched from the booths at the far wall all the way to the entrance. They composed an astonishingly diverse cross-section of New Yorks. Lincoln Centre ticket-holders generally didn’t go to the same store or eat at the same restaurants as the Nick’s fans. But everybody came to Reaffirmation.
The big board at the front promised the people a healthy sense of fear about outsourcing. Not that it was outsourcing everyday, mind you. During the week they rotated between the staples: terrorism, global warming, outsourcing, immigration, but on weekends the guy’s upstairs liked to be a bit more exotic, just to inject some fun into the whole endeavour. Last Saturday they had done a very popular bit about a new disease

[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited May 12, 2008).]

Posted by Gardener (Member # 7948) on :

Ok. I'll throw in my 2 cents.

It was only eight-thirty and already the line (snaked?)from the booths at the far wall all the way to the entrance.

This sentence is missing a verb - I offer snaked. And since I haven't been to Lincoln Center in 100 yrs, I don't remember how large the lobby is. You might want to describe it a little more if it's important.

They composed an astonishingly diverse cross-section of New Yorks. (Do you mean New Yorkers? This is a bit redundant. New York is diverse.)

Lincoln Centre (British spelling) ticket-holders generally didn’t go to the same store or eat at the same restaurants as the Nick’s(I think Nicks is plural) fans. But everybody came to Reaffirmation.

The big board at the front promised the people a healthy sense of fear about outsourcing. (This needs more introduction or rewording. Are people looking to be frightened? Then maybe "Everyone came to Reaffirmation for a good scare" or some such. I think it's a little unclear.)

Not that it was outsourcing everyday, mind you. During the week they rotated between(indicates 2, among?) the staples: terrorism, global warming, outsourcing, immigration, but on weekends the guy’s(no apostrophe) upstairs liked to be a bit more exotic, just to inject some fun into the whole endeavour(British spelling). Last Saturday they had done a very popular bit about a new disease

You said this was halfway through a flash and I'm not sure what it's about, other than standing in line for tickets.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

This has a hook, and it's perfectly fine--however, your post seems to imply the story itself is ultra short (under 700 words). If that's the case (and I haven't misread), then you need to have stuff happening from the first line.

In a normal story, a way to go would be to have a who, what, when, where and the five senses in the first couple of pages. In a micro short, you can dispense with some of those, but you still need to tell me who your MC is within the first line. Otherwise, this is going to fizzle out and die before it can catch fire.

Another alternative would be to make it into a longer story.

Obviously, case vary. You might have a very good reason for starting slow.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I'm kinda hooked, which is odd because I don't understand what's going on. Maybe it's that thing about lines--people sometimes join a line just to see what the fuss is about.

First, are the 'booths' ticket booths?

I cannot imagine why people would join a line that promises a healthy fear of outsourcing, or other things. Is it some kind of extreme religious or political meeting?

To answer your question, if it's a line for theatre tickets, it's a line of theatre-goers. If it's a line for a concert by whomever today's boy band is, it's a line of screaming teenieboppers. If it's a line for the loo, it's a line of ... well, never mind.

So, if they're afraid of the changes happening in the world, a line of conservatives?

BTW Gardener--that first sentence does have a verb: 'stretched'.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited May 13, 2008).]

Posted by Gardener (Member # 7948) on :

Woops. I must have posted before the edit. Sorry.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

A tiny nit: I think it should be, "they comprised"?

Be happy to read the remaining 13 lines or so.

Posted by Doctor (Member # 7736) on :

Isn't it the New York Knicks?

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

I assume you are looking for a name for the story reflecting the people in line. How about "The Enqueued"? Not a real word yet but you could coin it. Based on 'queue' the word for lining up, in Britain, but you probably know that.