This is topic "The Dimensionist," high fantasy/Lovecraftian, just over 4k in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Just finished this piece, so I'd be very interested in some offers for full-reads before I submit it anywhere. Probably send it to Fantasy Magazine first...
Title ideas also apreciated.
I don't usually do this, but heres a first 13 I wrote just a few minutes ago. I'm hammering away at it as we speak. As you may guess, recent discussions made me want to do a piece with some Lovecraftian elements, and who better to include than my pre-existing character, Zorthas, the Dimensionist.
I was trying to do a little exposition without being too info dumpy.
“It came from the far Northern ruins, Master Wizard,” the tradesmen said as he handed the large, musty tome to Zorthas. The sorcerer hesitated a moment-the book had a powerful, and powerfully alien, aura. “One of my suppliers acquired it from an estate sale-apparently the man who took it from the ruins was quite mad, and finally hung himself in the main room of his house. His possessions were sold to pay off his debts.” Zorthas nodded. “And most likely, it was this book that drove him mad, yes?” The trader’s thick, round face expanded in an ingratiating smile. “Who can say? But even if so, surely it would pose no threat to Zorthas, the Dimensionist, a skilled wizard and learned scholar.”
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 20, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 20, 2008).]
Posted by supaflyza (Member # 7965) on :
Your first 13 lines suggest that the man who first found the tome, went mad because he took it home with him... Is that true?
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Yep, most likely.
Posted by Jo1day (Member # 7800) on :
I like it. The opening presents a problem that may not be a problem that carries through the whole of the story, or might just set up the whole story. Great possibilities, here. And I love how you got in the identity of the POV character through the dialog of the conniving salesman or whoever he is.
Posted by therin7 (Member # 7966) on :
I liked the dialogue between the two. I think I'd read on. Do you need more read?
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I will. I only have a few hundred words at present, but I will need readers once its completed. Thanks for offering.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I like this! The POV, the dialogue -- either you have improved a great deal, or you chose a style more to my liking on this one
My Take:
quote:"It came from the far Northern ruins, Master Wizard,” the tradesmen said as he handed the large, musty tome to Zorthas. The sorcerer hesitated a moment—the book had a powerful, [and powerfully <-could cut] alien[, <-ditto] aura. “One of my suppliers acquired it from an estate sale. Apparently the man who took it from the ruins was quite mad, and finally hung himself [in the main room of his house <-not necessary]. His possessions were sold to pay off his debts.”
Zorthas nodded. “And [most likely, <-cut] it was this book that drove him mad, yes?”
The trader’s [thick, round <-pick one] face expanded in an ingratiating smile. “Who can say? But [even if so, <-cut] surely it would pose no threat to Zorthas, the Dimensionist, a skilled wizard and learned scholar.”
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 16, 2008).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Well I did this specifically keeping in mind things that people have said or mentioned here. Not because I necessarily believe that particular way of doing things is "better", but because I like to branch out. This way of doing it also fits well with the story idea. I basically wanted to do something Lovecraftian, since I've deen discussing him of late. But I can't really do his exact voice well most of the time, so I'm just using the subject matter and themes, in my own voice and style.
I think I am in the unfortunate situation where many of the people here just strongly dislike many of the styles and forms I use, and some times don't entirely take that into account...luckily, I use a lot of different styles and forms, as the mood strikes me.
I agree with your assesment to, now that you mention it a couple of those small bits can probably go.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Here's a slightly trimmed version
“It came from the far Northern ruins, Master Wizard,” the tradesmen said as he handed the large, musty tome to Zorthas. The sorcerer hesitated a moment-the book had a powerful, alien aura. “One of my suppliers acquired it from an estate sale-apparently the man who took it from the ruins was quite mad, and finally hung himself. His possessions were sold to pay off his debts.” Zorthas nodded. “And it was this book that drove him mad, yes?” The trader’s round face expanded in an ingratiating smile. “Who can say? But surely it would pose no threat to Zorthas, the Dimensionist, a skilled wizard and learned scholar.”
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
No surprise, I like it even better (blushing).
Can someone with more time find a link that discusses em dashes? That is, the longer "--" rather than "-". Don't take my word for it, but I think it is a technical error above.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Yea I'm a bit in the dark about that myself. I've always used the "..." method, but many seem to dislike that. All my keyboard has is - and _ of course one could do --.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:Can someone with more time find a link that discusses em dashes?
Thanks. I must say I'm a little annoyed they didnt just put it on the standard keyboard..
Posted by therin7 (Member # 7966) on :
My pleasure. It sounds like it could turn out very well.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Not much more to say on this except that "...and finally hung himself." I think should be "...and finally hanged himself."
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Yea your probably right
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
All righty...its finished!
Kathleen, would you be so kind as to remove the "unfinished" from the subject line and add "just over 4k?" Please and thank you.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
A thousand times a thousand thankees Oh Ye of The Changing of Stuff.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Huh! Haven't been called that before.
Edited to add: You're welcome.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 20, 2008).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
When you have a chance, O Ye of the Changing of Stuff, would you remove "untitled" and add "The Dimensionist" to the subject line on this?
Posted by Moofle (Member # 7853) on :
I'll read this and give a few comments if you send it to me.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Splentacular.
Posted by alittleofeverything (Member # 8024) on :
I'll read it if you'll send it.
Posted by dolphinsrsmart2 (Member # 8048) on :
I'd love read more as well. Someone took care of the mechanics that I noticed, but I would like a bit more decription of the scene like how does he feel when this creepy salesman offers him a book that supposedly has killed??? Seems like he should be a bit miffed. He should frown or become alert to the danger or should slowly narrow his eyes or something...just my humble opinion...
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I will send you the whole piece, it will probably make better sense in context.
At least I will do, as soon as MSN/hotmail will let me...
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited June 25, 2008).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
did you guys actually get the story I sent you?
Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :
I'm coming in on this a bit late, but I'd like to look at the whole thing if you're still sending it out.
And, for what it's worth, I preferred the original [non-trimmed] opening .
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I will send it to you. Please let me know if you recieve it. Its been 3 weeks + since I sent it out to the last couple requests and I havent really heard anything.
Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :
Heya, just downloaded the manuscript - will have some feedback for you asap
.
