I think need to find a larger project. But in the meantime, here's some wanna be flash: 1,200 words looking for readers and diet tips to hit the magic 1K.
quote: The first sign of trouble came on their way to school, when a crack appeared in the sky. It was only a very small crack, the faintest smudge of pixels where two edges didn't line up quite right. Thierry was rushing to finish his History assignment so he didn't pay it much mind. Instead, he called up his workspace and the tiny processors in his lenses replaced the outside world with a view of his books and files.
They were downtown when he looked up again, the car purring quietly down the Avenue des Trois Barques. The morning sun strobed through the tall poplars that lined the road and the sky had returned to a pristine, Mediterranean blue.
He was about to return to his assignment, when something caught
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
turnabout and all that! Nice, send it on.
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
I like this a lot. I'd like to order a whole one for review.
Tracy
Posted by Jo1day (Member # 7800) on :
Hmm. I like the first sentence, but the next sentence kind of jarred me afterwards, I don't know why. I was suddenly thinking "Pixels? What pixels? In the sky?" Other than that, it seems like a fascinating beginning. I'd be happy to read.
Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :
If you need help cutting it to 1k, I'm game.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
Good start, don't rework it too much, it does what the first 13 are supposed to do. I'll read more if you send it.
Posted by Dvorak (Member # 7976) on :
Wow, I don't know what to say. This definitely hooks me, and was easy and clear to read. I definitely had a "What? Pixels?" reaction also, but I'm assuming there'll be more on that later.
I also really like your title!
I'd like to read it, but I don't know when I'd get to it, so if you need a fast turnaround then skip me.
Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
If you're looking for a diet of words I'm your editor. I love to slash useless words from other people's work(just not my own). Seriously, send it along. I'm trying to master this flash thing.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
Just a quick note to say I like the hook in the first sentence.
I like the second sentence too. With the mention of pixels, I guess we're in some kind of simulated world--or at least, the sky is a simulation.
I have one nit: I'd suggest deleting "where two edges didn't line up quite right" because I wondered, edges of what?
"The morning sun strobed through the tall poplars that lined the road ..." I like this too.
Sorry, can't offer to read, too much other stuff.
Cheers, Pat
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
On its way, thanks everyone.
I'm not sure how well so few words will stand up to so much scrutiny, Dvorak, so if you don't get to it, don't worry
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Nice, interesting opening.
I suggest you add the name/person of the second character (you use collective "they" at the beginning so I'm assuming MC is with someone else.) It bugs me, more so with flash-length, to not know the names of the characters after the first few paragraphs.
I suspect you know this, but the juxtaposition of the sun strobing through tall poplars in the downtown area was odd. Poplars aren't exactly a "downtown" kind of tree (at least not in my area. They line the highway and farms as a kind of "screen" sometimes, but downtown are the beautiful old oaks and maples and magestic stuff. Not plain 'ol poplars.)
Good luck with this - looks like it's on a good start.
