[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited September 19, 2008).]
I did feel there were too many adjectives, adverbs and qualifying phrases, which made it a bit of a challenge to digest. I had to re-read one or two bits to absorb it all.
A nit: I understand what you're trying to say and she sounds utterly delightful, but I don't think skin "adorns" one. Maybe just, "the way the metal transitioned into her perfect skin." I think we can assume it covers her mostly.
Hope this helps,
Pat
I think this is very well done, and I would definitely read on. They both sound like interesting characters.
I will sepparate from the opinion that their are two many adjectives. With the exception of this line.
quote:
Shiny plates covered advanced robotics technology on the lower half of her legs like skin-tight boots and they glinted silvery in the bright beams from the overhead lights
This is the only line that snagged me. I remember the first half of that sentence snagging me last time. I think that it would be more effective to throw in some dialogue here.
This line doesn't really convey a clear image, I think it would be better to if we heard this rather than saw it.
If you hear anymore comments on adjectives, submit this to Analog This issue had a story so flowery with adjectives, I forgot what was being described.
[This message has been edited by The divine ruler of Isthasn (edited May 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited September 19, 2008).]
But I would agree with everyone else that there are too many adjectives: makes the reading kind of bumpy. You could also look at removing the "as" from your first sentence and making it into to, just to make the writing clearer/more easy to read.