The stupid irrigation drone that Ricky MacDonald had volunteered to test out had just made confetti out of one of his experimental patches of beans--nothing patentable or special, but the thing was set to automatic and the next bed was full his type 402A tomatoes, ones that Ricky had brought in a few university professors to see. He had seed off of them, but he needed the plants in order to go through the patent process, the process that just might enable him to quit his consulting business and stay on his small farm forever. The ultimate out from the world of corporate politics and brown nosing that Ricky had worked so long to escape.
And he’d left the irrigation robot’s controller on the
Tracy
Put "Hatrack in the email subject so I know it's not spam.
Some nitpicks on the 13 since I don't have time to offer a full crit:
- first sentence is a doozy, spanning three lines in my browser window. Can you find a way to chop it up into separate sentences?
- "He had see off of them" is a tricky phrase. How about "He already had their seeds...(also suggest "but he needed the actual plants to submit with the patent application." or something a little more direct/simple.)
- With a patent on his XYZ (name the benefit of the 402A hybrid here) tomatoes, he might just be able to kiss his consulting business goodbye once and for all and stay on his small farm forever.
- If you're going to use brown-nosing, I'm almost positive it's hyphenated. I don't much care for the phrase, though. There are other more colorful (less cliche?) ways of phrasing the trappings of corporate life.
- I just realized that the drone made confetti of the beans. What's the tomato point? I thought it made confetti of the tomatoes. If it's important that the beans were made into confetti and they're NEXT to this 402A tomato, you might want to be a bit more obvious about that.
Good luck with this, I think it's a great start!
I've been telling myself since yesterday that the story is flawed, but I didn't realize that I'd made such a big, huge run on sentence for the beginning. I'll definitely look at fixing that.Just goes to show that we're all the blindest when it comes to our own work
MyTake:
quote:
The stupid irrigation drone that Ricky MacDonald [had <-cut] volunteered to test [out <-cut] had just made confetti out of one of his experimental patches of beans. They weren’t anything [patentable or <-unnecessary] special, but the thing was set to automatic--and the next bed was full of his type 402A tomatoes, the ones that Ricky had brought in a few university professors to see. He had seed from them, but he needed the plants for the patent process. Those tomatoes just might enable him to quit his consulting business and stay on his small farm forever. The ultimate escape from kowtowing to? the world of corporate politics [and brown nosing <-hmm] that Ricky had worked so long to escape.
The patent process isn't what will free him.
"And he’d left the irrigation robot’s controller on the..." At this point I'd like to see Ricky dive into action.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 16, 2008).]