Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Nightmare-Dark Fantasy-7.3k

This is topic Nightmare-Dark Fantasy-7.3k in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

This is a pretty old piece,so I know its going to have many flaws. I guess it's also what some here would call a "summary begining." I'm already aware of that, so unless you actually feel it doesnt fit the story (as oposed to just thinking its not a valid way of opening a story) it won't be necessary to point it out.
However, if you have ideas for a different aproach to the begining within the context of the story I'd be glad to hear them. I'm also very interested in volunteers to read the whole piece.

Evan was exhausted. He’d been working a missing person’s case for two weeks straight. The parents of the missing girl had hired him to investigate, after the police failed to find her. He hadn’t yet told them, but he was beginning to believe their daughter was the unrecorded first victim of a serial killer whose brutal murders had shocked the area.
Evan opened the door of the apartment he shared with his partner, Seth, and was surprised to find it dark. Then he remembered, Seth was at his parents, since Evan hadn’t known if he’d be home tonight.
Too bad, I really could have used someone to talk to, he thought.
He flipped on the light, and nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 24, 2008).]

Posted by therin7 (Member # 7966) on :

I like the sounds of it and I'd offer to read the rest of it but seeing as how I haven't gotten back to you yet on something you already sent I don't know if I should. Overall I think it works well though. Btw I promise to get to that other story for you.

Lynn

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I liked your Lovecraft story, which was very engaging--but this one doesn't engage me.

It starts with a summary--of which you know I am not a fan. However there are summaries that engage more than others--this one engages me less.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 21, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I told you not to tell me that lol. Its fine that you don't like non-dialogue, non-action beginings, but thats all it is...a preference.

From what you know, how would you present this?

Yes and I said I know this is flawed. So tell me how its flawed, and how you would present it.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 21, 2008).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I would start with him talking to the parents on the phone and apologizing for the lack of progress or something. You'd get all the details and his character up there straight away--he could be conflicted about giving the parents too much hope.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 21, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Which you actually already get :-) Just in a different way.

Its funny because several of my early fragments that I posted here were critisized for starting with dialogue lol.

I do kind of want to begin with him coming home, for various reasons.

How about you read the whole thing...so you actually know whats going on? :-)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

If you want to keep it as a summary sort of thing insert a few more actions into the summary--make him think about the girl, the case his partner.

I think you have spent too much time on his flat mate and what Evan looks like--do these bits later, or at least give a reason for him to think about these things. Perhaps the lights are off and he remembers his partner... Seth Greenberg was away visiting his folks. Damn, he could have done with off-loading a bit--this missing girl case was going nowhere. He slumped in the sofa with a glass of whiskey on the rocks...

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 21, 2008).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

How long is it?

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

7,300 words, like it says in the title :-)

But be clear. They are not "flat mates." They are two men in a romantic relationship. If thats uncomfortable for you, I'd recomend against it (theres nothing raunchy, but it is a factor.)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Good god--what do you take me for?

It's not a problem, I am no prude. I will read it and give you my impression but I haven't the time for a line crit. Anything I spot wrong I will highlight--up to you to work out what is wrong with it. Deal?

BTW I didn't read the title as it was a 'not called anything' title, I just saw your name, and as your current arch-nemesis I figured I would check it out.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 21, 2008).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Or I can send it to you, and you can get to it whenever you have time. Whatever you prefer. I'll send it along.

I'm patient.

Mostly, I'm highlighting an issue I have with trying to do to much with the first 13 alone...theres no context, and you don't know the flow.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Send it.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
BTW I didn't read the title as it was a 'not called anything' title, I just saw your name, and as your current arch-nemesis I figured I would check it out.

The Lovecraftian one is the one with no title.

And I dont really see it that way. I just don't really have an opinion as far as dialogue, action, or purely narrative beginings...to me they are all good in the right context. And I feel your opinion...disliking narrative only beginings...is just that. A personal opinion. They are all just different ways of doing things.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Don't panic.

Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :

Alright Merlion-Emry's.....Ive read enough about it that I have to taste the kool-aid, where is your Lovecraft stuff.... I'm going to have to take a swig.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

You have to be more specific. This piece isn't Lovecraftian at all really...I just finished another one, though, that isn't strictly Lovecraftian but has those elements. IS that the one you want?

Posted by illiterate (Member # 7997) on :

yep... not this story..., the lovecraft is the one, as this one didn't do much for me really.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

So...like...why did you post it here? LOL.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Added a totally revised first 13

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

a summary what?!, just kidding. Well sort of, I don't mind a summary in a detective or PI story, I don't know why, flash backs to old movies or such. I do feel it could be stronger showing Evan in action. Also I think the some of the info could be cut back, an example below. A bad ex. but my thoughts.

An ex. Even leaned against the door. This case was killing him. Two weeks, and still, nothing on the missing girl. And worse, he feared she was the first victim of a serial killer. How do you tell the girl's parents that?

The part of Evan entering the apartment. I would try o show his suprise, and elimiante some of the things. I don't think we need to know Seth is his partner right off, and the part of Evan not knowing if he'd be home tonight, seemed a little much. I would leave as , That's right, Seth was at his parents.

He opened the door to his apartment to darkness. What?"Seth?" That's right, Seth was at this parents.

quote:
Too bad, I really could have used someone to talk to, he thought.
He flipped on the light, and nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise.

If the we get a strong POV trhough the MC, then "he thought" woudlnt be needed which would clean it up.

"in suprise" You could cut this as him jumping out of his skin shows his suprise, so I wouldnt tell it. It takes away from your writing.

Anyways, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rewrite your intro, but I'll leave it here, just you have another opinion.

I hope this helps

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
The part of Evan entering the apartment. I would try o show his suprise, and elimiante some of the things. I don't think we need to know Seth is his partner right off, and the part of Evan not knowing if he'd be home tonight, seemed a little much. I would leave as , That's right, Seth was at his parents.

I think a little mention of who he is or thei relationship or something is needed, otherwise its kind of like "who, what why do we care?" But it can perhaps be reduced. I was trying to get a lot of information in a small space here.