Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Vault

This is topic Vault in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :

Attention chimes sounded from the classroom loudspeaker. "Heave to and listen up. Preble Kimdri, stand to Vault Line Sigma. That is all."
Mary Kimdri snapped to her feet.
From the lectern, Master Chief Owens said, "Dismissed."
Mary slung the equipment rucksack over her shoulder. The helmet strapped to the pack banged on the door jamb when she bolted into the hallway. Jogging down the school corridor, she mumbled, "Just great, called last, but thank heavens, called at last."
Her chordmates had their check vaults within the first week of completing pilot training. She'd have faced washout in another day. Like an albatros tied to her back, she'd hauled the rucksack around for a month, everywhere she went. It reminded

I've just begun this story. I'm projecting it will run to 6,000 words, but I'll be shooting for 4,000.

[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited July 01, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I would read on. I was intrigued, although the prose felt somewhat ridged.

Praise for the word choice snapped. It is befitting and fresh verb. Really adds a nice punch to that line.

although I questioned slightly chimes and mumbled.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Wow I acutally understood something you wrote.

Just kidding, you have such a strong and extensive vocab on your posts it takes me a couple reads to get the great info it contains.

I liked this start, the too felt the rigidness, but liked it as it gave me the feel of military school right off the bat.

The attention chimes, I never thought of chimes as attention getting. But again in a military school, well trained it might work well, showing how disciplined they are, not needing a air horn.

I would suggest losing the tag, mumbled. You did such a great job with the beat, and dialogue it's not needed. She jogged dowon the schol corridor. "Just great...

She'd - I always read this as She had, I know, cause I looked it up, it also is the contraction for she would, but it always reads odd to me. It reads cleaner to me, she would have, in both cases. But that might just be me.

Good start though.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited July 02, 2008).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

I'll agree with the others; the premise is good, the prose feels slightly skewed at the moment. It's an interesting stylistic choice, but it might be a bit much as an opening. I'd be interested in reading it once it's finished.

Regards,

Nick