After only a week on shore, my men began to die. Of the twenty-two sailors who had survived the shipwreck, half shook with fever, and I with them. The strange, wondrous continent seemed to be cursing us for intruding upon her virgin sands.
The sailors who were merely hungry, angry, restless, waited for their captain to do something, anything that would mean their rescue. But all I mustered amidst the deep, bone-cracking chills were thoughts of despair: my greed had brought us to this end. My greed, as much as any storm, had driven the *Ruby Nymph* onto the black rocks of the headland.
During the early stages of the fever, when I could still sit upright under the shelter of palm fronds and deadfall, I stared out at the *Nymph's* bones tugged about in the surge, groaning in
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited July 10, 2008).]
My advice would be to change "the sailors who were merely hungry, scared etc) to the "hungry, frightened sailors." It sounds stronger and puts the emphasis on what the sailors were doing where it belongs.
This sentence seems a bit too wordy/flowery. 'Waited' also really doesn't feel right, the tense is off.
But all I mustered amidst the deep, bone-cracking chills were thoughts of despair: my greed had brought us to this end.
I would change the : to a .
My greed, as much as any storm, had driven the *Ruby Nymph* onto the black rocks of the headland. This is your 2nd sentence about greed, you should show an elaboration on just what the greed did.
During the early stages of the fever, when I could still sit upright under the shelter of palm fronds and deadfall, I stared out at the *Nymph's* bones tugged about in the surge, groaning in
Overall I like the concept, and I am kind of interested in the character as a leader and what exactly his men are up to. It's a nice hook and I would be happy to read it and offer any comments. Good Job
[This message has been edited by hinton (edited July 08, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by hinton (edited July 08, 2008).]
For instance, you start the story with: "After only a week on shore, my men began to die."
Why not put the reader in the perspective of your main character right away?
For example: The stagnate smell of death resonated through the omnipresent smell of the sea. My crew, my brothers, moaned and twisted. Tremors ran through my body, and my jaw convulsed to release my depraved soul.
While this isn't that good at all, but what I'm going for here is to put the reader in the moment by showing. I'm trying to give the reader the five senses your character would be going through at this moment.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited July 10, 2008).]
A very strong opening paragraph. Short. Concise. With a hint of poetry. (I love the virgin sands.)
Second paragraph was a bit wordy. This tended to jar with the voice set in the opeing paragraph. Also, having started at a point where action is required, be very careful about introspection. We need to know more about your character before we can be ready for direct introspection - this is our first meeting, not our third date with him.
Third paragraph - why, why, why? A person wracked with fever wouldn't flash back to an introspective point where the fever was only partly there. If the information you need in the flashback is critical to the story, then you have started too late in the timeline.
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited July 10, 2008).]
I'll be quite useless and agree with what everyone else said. The set up has promise, but it's also remote in that you're telling us what has happened. Not a biggie in my eyes, but if it continued, it would be a problem.
The voice of the narrator is quite distinctive, but I'd personally find it difficult to read it if his voice continued to be so florid. It is an "old-fashioned" voice, so other readers might have more tolerance.
I agree that the flashback is a killer so early in the story. I only use flashbacks if I can't figure out another way to get the information across. As always, I may be totally misguided in my advice, so please consider with several large chunks of salt.
Regards,
Nick