Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pixie Pirate and The Flying Unicorn

This is topic Pixie Pirate and The Flying Unicorn in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Coyotespirit (Member # 8088) on :

Hi Everyone,

This is the first 13 of a Space Fantasy about a Pixie Pirate, an Air Elemental and a human/dragon hybrid. It is just under 4,500 words. I would love your opinions. My partner and I have finished some basic edits, but letting it set for a while before tackling major edits. It is available for a read if anyone is interested.

Cyndi

The auction had only been underway for a short while, however the parking garage was deserted.

Ariel's eyes opened wide as she landed with a thunk on the metal step barely missing Sarah's tail. Staring down at the green scales under her feet, she whispered, "I just haven't gotten used to your tail!"
"Me neither. If I have to have a tail, why couldn't it be more like a cat so I could curl it around me. But nooooo ... dragons don't have that kind of tail."
Ariel grinned and quickly drew her feet away from Sarah's tail as it flicked up, then thumped smartly back down. The small dragon before her stood upright and was dressed in a crisp, white lab coat, tailor made to accommodate the wings currently

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 28, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I'll give it a whirl. Send it over.

Posted by Coyotespirit (Member # 8088) on :

Thanks Bent Tree. It's on the way.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hey CS,

Interesting youth fantasy idea, at least I hope is this meant for the younger audience. If not, you better reconsider your approach.
Here's me take...

The auction had only been underway for a short while, however the parking garage was deserted.

I would cut this line. It has nothing to do with the rest of the next paragraph and seems so out of place that I wondered if it accidentily got placed in this post.

I think you have overused your adverbs. You could cut 'quickly', 'smartly', and 'currently' from this. Too much spice in the receipe.
As an opening, this does not hook for me. You plopped us right in the middle of nowhere with no direction to go. Perhaps if you were to open with Ariel flying and seeing her green scaled friend would work better. You could give us a view of your dragons and world, give us something to grab onto.

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

I'd also cut the first line. You're establishing the setting, but its awkward.

Sarah's dialog seems to beat us over the head with the fact that she's a dragon. Unless this was a recent transformation, I'm not sure the dialog is the right place for it, especially since you come right out with it shortly thereafter.

Keep an eye out for adverbs. You have a few popping up already, and based on the way last setence is going, I suspect you continue to use them.

Also, watch for punctuation. I believe there are a couple of missing commas.

For adult readers, there isn't much of a hook. As a children's story, however, a dragon in a labcoat might do the trick on its own. It looks like you have a fun little fairytale in the works. Good luck!

Posted by Coyotespirit (Member # 8088) on :

Thanks for the feedback. Thanks to Bent Tree's feedback and the comments here I plan on doing a complete rewrite using a different approach. This was an experiment that failed. Never know till you try.

And sorry for the late reply. I injured my hand after I posted. It is still difficult to type, a horrible fate for a writer and a programmer.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

uh-huh. Hand injury = Shia LeBouf, pal. Hey, everybody, Shia LeBouf is a member of Hatrack!