I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit. It appeared that A-dog had an affinity for boys. My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery. “You shiesty little b@#*#,” he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness. “One word of this and I will cut out your mothers heart and eat it.” He told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands. Then he pushed me away. But this had harsher repercussions for me. I would now have to make the brides trip, above ground. I didn’t keep it from mother. She was smart, too smart to be a breeder. Too smart to exchange DNA with A-dog. Besides, it didn’t matter. She would realize soon enough that our cover had
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I confess that I am unclear of what you have written. I think the POV is from a girl but I'm not sure. From what I gather this is a tale about a future case of bestiality, not very marketable. Try introducing your characters, and tell us what an 'A-dog' is as well. Other problems...
he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness.
Too poetic. This metaphor does not work, since his hand found her(?) and she apparently is anything but truthful.
He told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands.
'clenching my jaw' is something one does for themselves, as you would if you were angry or bracing yourself. Having your perpetrator clench her jaw doesn't fit. Try grasp, holding, grabbed, or scrunched.
You could try that but I'm still unsure if these 13 lines hook even with those minor changes.
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
Hey BT. Nice start.
It's a little difficult to follow I'm afraid. I get the impression that the Protag is a girl, but is perhaps masquerading as a boy. A-dog has figured this out. A-dog I assume is a reference to Alpha Dog so perhaps she has used her 'guise' to join a boys gang or something.
The prose is a little flowery in places, perhaps in an attempt to cover up more brash language when talking about the protags female parts. I'm not sure of a better way to do it but the way its done seems to be a little overwrought.
I hope this helps. Of course, when it is complete, I'll happily give the full bugger a read.
Anthony
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Yeah, I was trying not to be too graphic and looking back, I see that the context here isn't enough to convey exactly what I intended, but you were right on. The protag is a girl disguising herself as a boy. The rest opens up pretty quickly.
I mainly wanted to see how this was recieved, I am almost done drafting and I will send it out later tonight to you, Anthony.
Thanks for the feedback so far.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
It took me several readings to understand, and it wasn't until my third read or so that I realized it's the story you'd told me about. However, I really like the voice here, and the very stuff that makes it cryptic ("truth in the darkness") are what attract me to it.
Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :
I picked up on the girl masquerading as a boy bit right away. I didn't think of "A-dog" as a gang leader though. I read the term "A-dog" as a derrogatory for the male insecurity of her mother's loser boyfriend, reinforced by his attraction to boys that he doesn't want anyone to know about.
[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited July 30, 2008).]
Posted by bakerjw (Member # 8103) on :
As someone with little experience critiquing writing. My only change would be to change the I will to I'll as in "and I'll cut out your mothers heart" People tend to contract words a lot in real life. I don't do it as much as I should when I write and it sounds clunky when read aloud.
I would say that I would continue reading.
[This message has been edited by bakerjw (edited August 01, 2008).]