[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 07, 2008).]
In the exact center of the acre of fertile land he lovingly cared for behind his church, there was a small area - five feet across, no more - where the soil was richer, the air a little sweeter, where the sun shimmered a little brighter.
This sentence read really long for me. Could probably be split of to better effect. Also, I can't picture the sun shimmering for some reason. Shimmer seems like a faint reflection to me.
Pastor Mark just laughed and shook his head, clapping Jake on the back in baffled approval.
Pastor Mark kind of jumps out of nowhere here. And the "just" after his name makes it seem like he was doing something right before this. Does that make sense?
"I don't know how you do it, Jake. I can't get half-a-dozen tomato plants to give me enough tomatoes for a BLT half a yard away. But you! You have the Garden of Eden sprouting at your fingertips."
This is well-written dialog. My only complaint is the tomato-tomatoes so close together. Maybe you could find a way to say the same thing while only using the word tomato once.
He didn't really want to know, though. Because after he made his little speech, after he'd laughed in that self-deprecating way and pummeled Jake's shoulder, he'd walk away without ever bothering to ask Jake's opinion of what he needed to do to perk up his plants. Nice
I'm not sure I'm hooked, but I do feel some empathy for Jake, and am a little curious about his gardening abilities, but some hints that there is something more sinister, or magical might help sink the hook. More conflict maybe?
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 07, 2008).]
The POV had me confused, though. Jake seemed the MC at first, but then the omniscience of the narration about Pastor Mark's motives made me wonder if he was the MC.
--WouldBe
The pastor stood on the wide back porch of the church, looking out at the bountiful field stretching out before him. Next to the pastor stood a dissolute, middle-aged man who had wandered into the service looking for a handout. The man had proved extremely hard to shake, and Pastor Mark was somewhat relieved that Mr. Grinder had taken an interest in the garden. A shade short of desperate, he had called out for the gardener to come over and show Mr. Grinder around. In his own way, the gardener was just as odd as Mr. Grinder, thought the pastor. Maybe they would hit it off, and the pastor could retire back to the chicken dinner his wife was holding for him.
Grinder, finder, grin and whiner, thought Jake Tomlinson as they were introduced. The man's hands were nearly as grimy as
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 08, 2008).]
The second opening introduces three characters, but little about the story direction.
It took me awhile to figure out that "Grinder, finder, grin and whiner," was a characterization of Mr. Grinder. I was quite a sudden and broad sizing-up of a stranger and so I was trying to apply it to the pastor as well.
You might want to use the name "Mr. Grinder" earlier. Over three sentences, he'd been referred to as "a man" and "he" twice before giving his name.
--Bill
Pastor Mark is rather abrupt in his appearance.
The final paragraph looks as if it might be preparing to transition into why the spot is so fertile, but it comes over as a little to wordy; I think the repetition of after... is mostly to blame.
Any which way you take it, I'd be happy to read.
I'll add my voice to the chorus and say that the first version worked better. I really think it was pretty good except the second sentence was wordy. It needed to be broken up a bit and you might have wanted to think of a stronger way to work the hook in, but all-in-all I didn't think that was that much wrong with it.
Cheers,
Nick
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 09, 2008).]
Anthony
quote:
Jake Tomlinson had a sweet spot in his garden. In the exact center of the acre of fertile land he lovingly cared for behind his church, there was a small area - five feet across, no more - where the soil was richer, the air a little sweeter, where the sun shimmered a little brighter.
One could assume from this that Jake is the pastor since you say it’s his garden and his church. Of course we soon find out he is most likely just a member of the church and the actual pastor is introduced. Just change “his” into “the” in both instances and it works very well. Shimmer works if there are some large old trees on the land, but you don’t state that - i.e. “where the sun shimmered a little brighter through the fluttering gold and lime leaves of the tall eucalyptus trees”
Oh, and to break that long sentence up you could write, “…small area - five feet across, no more. Here the soil was richer,…”
quote:
Pastor Mark just laughed and shook his head, clapping Jake on the back in baffled approval. "I don't know how you do it, Jake. I can't get half-a-dozen tomato plants to give me enough tomatoes for a BLT half a yard away. But you! You have the Garden of Eden sprouting at your fingertips."
This is fine except for the “half a yard away.” Just not clear enough; I would change it to “not thirty feet away,” or something like that.
quote:
He didn't really want to know, though. Because after he made his little speech, after he'd laughed in that self-deprecating way and pummeled Jake's shoulder, he'd walk away without ever
I would say “The Pastor obviously didn't really want to know though, because after he made his remarks, after he’d laughed in that self-deprecating way and pummeled Jake's shoulder, he walked away without ever…”
Check the small changes. This establishes your POV in a clearer manner.
I like the imagery and the characters you establish quite quickly. Its as hooky as half the stuff that’s published so I wouldn’t worry about that.
Send it over.
Tracy