Pop wanted two boys at least, no other genders need apply. He was the product of three consecutive girl-free generations, each having at least two boys, the exemplar comprising five boys living at least to the age of twelve. I was the firstborn of Pop's progeny, but clearly insufficient to bear the weight of the patriarchal line; more boys were needed to pad the generational safety margin.
Perhaps too anxious to win the progeny award, Pop brooked a plague of girls, stairstepped with risers of fire and treads of brimstone: Rebekah, Esther, Miriam, Hannah, Sarah and Martha. Pop was a Christmas Eve and Easter church-goer; Mom banked on him not knowing these were biblical names. Six girls in six years. I know how to change a diaper, I tell you.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 13, 2008).]
The second paragraph presented issues as well. What the heck does "stairstepped with risers of fire and treads of brimstone" mean? And after reading about all the girls Pop has begotten, the opening sentence no longer makes sense. My first impression was that Pop was resorting to *hiring* sons. Though you probably intend for readers to read the opening line with tongue in cheek, it was misleading for me.
Your voice is consistently humorous, however. I love a tale rife with irony ("Six girls in six years" - teehee), but, I hate to say it, I'm not certain I'm intrigued enough to turn the page.
Maybe you should re-write the whole thing a few times? Then we can pick and choose.
Most of my comments are nits or clean up:
quote:
Pop wanted two boys at least, no other genders need apply. Great first line. The only hitch was I was expecting the MC to be a girl. He was the product of three consecutive girl-free generations, each having at least two boys, the exemplar comprising five boys living at least to the age of twelve. while you might cut part of this, I'd be afraid of losing the voice if you did I was the firstborn of Pop's progeny, but clearly insufficient to bear the weight of the patriarchal line; more boys were needed to pad the generational safety margin. ah, it's a boy!Perhaps too anxious to win the progeny award, Pop brooked a plague of girls, stairstepped with risers of fire and treads of brimstone Hu? the stairstepped section is making me think to hard about what you are trying to say. I'm not sure if the plauge is "stairstepped" because of the biblical names or something else : Rebekah, Esther, Miriam, Hannah, Sarah and Martha. Pop was a Christmas Eve and Easter church-goer Nice description ; Mom banked on him not knowing these were biblical names. Six girls in six years. I know how to change a diaper, I tell you. LOL
The vertical pieces of a stairway are risers and the horizontal pieces are treads, and since this is a hellish plague upon the dad....If this piece is speculative at all it will only be because the girls are all strange and mystical, befitting their names. Their doting brother tells each girl's tale in chapter form (which of course are intertwined), beginning immediately after the opening you read.
So...does 'strange and mystical girl' rise to the level of 'speculative,' or is this a dirty-rotten-stinking literary piece?
Right now, some of the girls' names are placeholders, so Deborah might make it in if she's a good biblical girl, and maybe more so if bad.
But why does "strange and mystical" apply to women in the Bible? As a frequent reader of the Bible, I must say that there's nothing at all strange or mystical about any of the names you've decided to use.
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited August 13, 2008).]
Wow, I stand corrected. Deborah led the army, but it was another woman who brandished the tent peg. (And it was the dude's temple she drove it through, not the eye.) Check out Judges 4-5.
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited August 13, 2008).]
.But I don't think 'strange and mystical' is pejorative for the biblical characters. Clearly, many of them were mystical. One's a prophetess, one is mater dei, one is mother of two nations, one is mother of John the Baptist. Several of them had conversations with God. "Strange" doesn't only mean "oddball"; it also means "unusual" or "different." What is different from me is strange to me.
Pop wanted two boys at least, no other genders need apply. Three foregoing proud, girl-free generations forged this blueprint into his DNA. I was Pop's firstborn and had the correct gender, but more boys were needed to pad the patriarchal safety margin.
Pop pressed the matter too urgently, thereby unleashing a plague of girls upon him, stairstepped a year apart. Pop was a Christmas Eve and Easter church-goer and didn't notice the portent of Mom's chosen names: Rebekah, Esther, Miriam, Hannah, Sarah and Martha. Six girls in six years. I know how to change a diaper, I tell you. Pop wondered if he'd have his progeny. I wondered if my sisters' maelstrom would consume their doting brother.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 13, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 13, 2008).]
1st v. - 1st p.
quote:
the exemplar comprising five boys living at least to the age of twelve.
I liked the revised second paragraph after "thereby unleashing a plague of girls upon him,..." - I thought in the first version, when you used the word "brooked," it was a stronger word and it created a sense of irony. Also the revised second paragraph didn't seem to have as fluid of a transition from the first paragraph.
I also love your idea of using each paragraph to tell about one of the sisters. Maybe you can tell of each one's life and then end with the narrator - just a thought.
I'd definitely keep reading (but I like literary works).
Oh, by the way - Deborah was the one and only female Judge in the history of Israel. This was a position that was a cross between a warrior, a prophet and a king back when Irael was a theocracy (more so than when they eventually did get a king - Saul and then David). She stepped up when all of the men were wusses and wouldn't take charge. She was a real bad@$$.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 14, 2008).]
Further info after experimentation:
On IE7, the lines are *one* character shorter than Firefox. But that's enough to cause a couple of earlier word wraps, pushing the paragraph one line longer. Sheesh.
Example, on the first line, 'three' is word-wrapped by IE7, but not by FF. If I delete one letter in 'Three', it is not word-wrapped in IE. IE7's line length in the msg box appears to be 63 characters, which seems odd, no pun intended. So use FF?
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 14, 2008).]
BTW, I had picked about a dozen women, with the intent of selecting 6, depending on how the story panned out (i.e., no planning required). These included: Elizabeth, Esther, Pilate's wife (called Claudia by some), Salome, Eunice, Miriam, Rebekah, Deborah, Ruth, Rachel, Lydia and Sarah. So far, the narrator is anonymous.
--Bill