quote:
Jamie glanced at his watch again: 2.35. Late.‘****,’ he said.
The station was packed, full of people, pressing in on all sides. Trains screamed past with abrasive regularity. Not enough space. Too much sound.
Hard to breathe.
‘****,’ said Jamie, back against the wall. Another one, claxons blaring. It dragged the wind behind it. It bore down on him, on the crowds, the platform trembling.
‘Jamie?’
The ground was shaking so much. Too hard. Too many voices.
‘Jamie where are you? I’m here, Jamie!’
‘****,’ whispered Jamie, sinking to his knees.
I was going for fear, then panic, and then a feeling of being overwhelmed.
So: is it overwritten (or indeed just badly written), do you feel any tension, and is it obvious that Jamie has some sort of problem (and that he isn't just massively overreacting)? And, of course, would you read on?
Thanks again,
Daniel.
My problem, however, is that I don't know who Jamie is, what he's late for, where he is (other than a station), what's at stake... not saying I need to know ALL of these things in a first 13, but ultimately what I read here is someone I don't know having a tough time. No clue as to where the story might be going, or why I should be interested in the person.
The writing's clean. But, if I'm a busy editor flooded with submissions, why should I read on?
I like what you have written for what it is, but I do not think that I would keep reading.
Alas, I suppose it is slightly devoid of plot. In some ways I'm glad about what you both said - I'd focussed entirely on trying to get across Jamie's panic, and that at least seems to have worked ok - but you're right, I haven't remembered to give any real indication of the story itself.
Thanks for reading .
Also, I suggest trimming your dialogue tags a bit. We've only been introduced to one character so we can assume that Jamie is the one talking. This will buy you some more words and tightens the prose as well.
I'm interested in reading the final piece when its ready.
Anthony