Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SciFi - Unfinished

This is topic SciFi - Unfinished - Untitled in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Just started this. Let me know what you think.

quote:
Chuck Hogan felt shivers run down his spine. The beautiful young girl’s touch was electric and the feeling of her breath on his neck set him on fire.
“Ruby,” he protested. “We can’t do this. Not right now.”
In the dim light from the ships console he could see her lips curl into a smile. She began unsnapping her blouse. “Sure we can. Dad is out cold in his bunk and no one else would come up here at this hour.”
Chuck fought the urge to give in. He knew her father, the Captain, often came up to the bridge when he couldn’t sleep.
“Come on, if Cap catches you up here with me he’ll drop me off at the next station --” An alarm sounded on the console.
PROXIMITY ALARM!

Anthony

[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited August 29, 2008).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Nit -- "ships" is a noun and means more than one ship. In ship's console, "ship's" is an adjective meaning the console of the ship.

As to the story...I think it would be stronger if you allowed the scene to play out in story realtime instead of using --

Chuck fought the urge to give in. He knew her father, the Captain, often came up to the bridge when he couldn’t sleep.

-- to tell the reader what's going on.

This is just perhaps a conceit of mine, but I find stories stronger -- usually, there are exceptions but this is not one -- when you don't break an active scene and some building tension by retreating to telling in the middle.

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

"Shivers ran down Chuck Hogan's spine" is a much stronger sentence. Although still a cliche.

You've established his POV, therefore do not write things like "he could see." I know he could see, otherwise it wouldn't be on the page.

How about "She unsnapped the top button of her blouse," or something like that. It's stronger than "she began"

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I'm not sure if I'm hooked.
Minor grammar issues:

quote:
“Ruby,” he protested.[,] “We [we] can’t do this. Not right now.”

quote:
He knew her father, the Captain [captain], often came up to the bridge when he couldn’t sleep.

You also might want to add "my" before "dad" - I first thought they were siblings.
You may want to give Chuck a more (possibly) severe penalty for sleeping with the captain's daugter than being let off at the next port.
AW - I liked this, but I'm not sure where it is going. Could you give me a bigger hint instead of just an alarm sounding.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 31, 2008).]