When I went to the cemetery to dig up my wife, all I brought was a shovel and an eleven pound hatchet.
Margery had been murdered. The police never found out by who. Her body was torn and used and two weeks dead when they found it. Her mother insisted on an open casket. I told her to **** off but she wouldn’t back down. I had to pay a guy three hundred dollars to keep that crazy bitch out of the mortuary. The casket stayed closed.
I wore a knife to the funeral. I fantasized about meeting her killer there. I’d know him. In an instant, I’d know him. I‘d thank him for coming and then slice him across the navel
The first draft is done if anyone wants to crit me. It's rated R.
Thanks in advance. Greg-
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
I'll read it GLiB.
~Anthony
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
First line is a great hook. Only danger with a great hook is that the story needs to live up to it... but yeah, good opening line. I think the narrative tone needs a little work (the use, for instance of "navel" by the MC is odd, rather than "stomach" or just plain "guts", which would seem more in keeping with his angry passion). But it's intriguing.
Sadly, I'm way behind on critting I need to do elsewhere, but good luck with this...
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi,
Send it through. I have some thoughts on the 1st 13, depending on how the rest of it plays out.
Nick
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
The first line I liked, the second paragraphs, not so much. So far it's just a series of anecdotes. The narrative voice is strong enough that I would probably turn the page, but I would be looking for a story pretty soon after.