Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Erobotics

This is topic Erobotics in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It was always difficult to tell if someone was a browser or a buyer, but with years of experience behind him Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert. The middle-aged man who scurried through the door with a nervous glance behind him, his creased yet expensive clothes, spoke to the salesman within him—a buyer.
“Here to have a look around, sir or do you have something specific in mind?”
The man looked suitably sheepish and blushed. They always did—coming here felt, to many men, like an admission of sexual failure. “Er, yes...I am looking for something...” he paused for a moment and looked around with beady eyes, “...specific.”
“What exactly were you interested in, Mister...?”
“Harrow, Cornelius Harrow.” The man snapped a quick smile. “I was interested in a complete...” he coughed, “ er...pleasure

Just comments on the first 13, thanks. It is the start of a flash piece with a twist.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 09, 2008).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Well, you have me hooked.

The only substantive comments I have are more of a nits -

I don't think you need - "It was always difficult to tell if someone was a browser or a buyer." You might have a stronger start if you used onlt the second half of the sentance:

"After years of experience, Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert in deciding if someone was a browser or a buyer."

I don't think you need to say "he paused" between trailing off and looking around, I know he paused.

Nice start.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Good first page, reminds me of that Mary Rosenblum piece in Asimovs, not contextually but conceptually--simply that it is interesting and takes me into a good human nature sci-fi piece. good luck with this one.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Skadder,

Minor nits only. Firstly, why are the fact that his clothes creased relevant? I can see how expensive clothes could mark him as a buyer, but creased?

Secondly, would Cornelius give his name as confidently as he seems to? The way you've characterised him, he is furtive and embarrassed about his purchase. I would have thought it more plausible if he stuttered, clearly making up a fake name on the spot.

As a hook, it gets me over to the next page.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Creased clothes (un-ironed) means he doesn't care for himself well. No wife or partner to ensure he looks presentable. A small detail, but one the salesman feels indicates a likely buyer of expensive sexbots.

The guy is nervous going in (initially furtive and embarrased), but hey, once in its clear to everyone what he is there for--he becomes more confident. Besides, he is the customer...and I don't want him to remain embarrassed. You may begin to feel sympathy for him-which I don't want. He is going to become sleazy and unpleasant by the end of the story.

The complete pleasure system he is purchasing is very expensive--so he is fairly wealthy. Wealth often(not always) brings a level of confidence.

Posted by SolarStone (Member # 3524) on :

Complete Pleasure System is your new title...congrats!

Put all that stuff you just wrote explaining and rationalizing in the character's POV and you've got a winner.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
It was always difficult to tell if someone was a browser or a buyer, but with years of experience behind him Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert

and

quote:
The middle-aged man who scurried through the door with a nervous glance behind him, his creased yet expensive clothes, spoke to the salesman within him—a buyer.

Should, with a little reworking, be switched. The first line is good but just feels out of place to me. Back to first line.

quote:
but with years of experience behind him Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert

needs a comma and a new verb.

but with years of experience behind him, Jeff Storeman became somewhat of an expert

and are you sure you want Storeman to be his name? Why not Manuel Kneadsitbad?

And creased sounds like an iron suit. Wrinkled is the word I think you want.

“Here to have a look around, sir or do you have something specific in mind?”
The man looked suitably sheepish and blushed. They always did—coming >in< here felt, to many men, like an admission of sexual failure. “Er, yes...I am looking for something...” he paused for a moment and looked around with beady eyes, “...specific.”
“What exactly were you interested in, Mister...?”
“Harrow, Cornelius Harrow.” not too embrassed to say his name, is he? >The man snapped a quick smile.< cut this as well. Out of character for a man that should be wearing a long raincoat with his collar pulled up “I was interested in a complete...” he coughed, “ er...pleasure

I agree that the 'paused' should go too. I do think this thing has a very good hook. Nice job.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Mmm, food for thought. Manuel Kneaditbad--very good. Although I will stick to Storeman for the moment--there is a reason for it.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 11, 2008).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Skadder,

I think I'd need either a little more POV from the salesman or some more context about the store if the customer's behaviour is going to be credible for me (as is usual for these things, it's probably just me). The scenario just made me think of a sex store and while I won't profess to be that knowledgable about them, being embarrassed to be seen going in there and then being unabashed enough to state his true name seems a little bit odd.

I could buy the wrinkled clothes. Still, caring enough about appearance to buy expensive clothes but not caring to iron them is slightly odd. I'd pick a guy with bad fashion sense as being single over a guy who doesn't iron his clothes (that's just lazy).

Despite my overly picky self, great hook and 13 lines.

Cheers,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 12, 2008).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Hi Nick,

I agree about expensive clothes put together badly (clashing, etc.) might be a better clue than wrinkled clothes.

I disagree about his behavior. If you enter a place like a sex-shop (which this isn't--its more of a girl friend shop) or a sexual health clinic, you may have concerns about being seen by the general public/acquaintance when going in, but once in there is little to be squeamish about--you are after all there for a reason. And the people there are there to serve you--they do the same thing every day.

Besides, he is eager.

Also the fact that he gives his name shows to Storeman that he is a buyer...he will need to pay for his android, and his identity will be known at that point. He doesn't carry enough cash for the item on him--it's expensive. Also any warranties or guarantees will require his full name etc...so he is really not giving away anything he won't need to volunteer later anyway.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 12, 2008).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

This is extremely well-thought out, as evidenced by your detailed replies to the intricacies of the first 13 lines. I have an affinity for neologism, and so I absolutely love the title. It starts off a little slow and bland for me, but the title, the sexual subject matter, and the concept of an expensive "complete pleasure system" are hooks that would keep me reading. Is the smile a nervous smile? I wasn't quite sure there, but not a big deal and, granted, you may have been intentionally making the reader wonder if the smile is nervous, friendly, cynical, confident, or all four. Keep up the good work. Best regards,

Brant