I stared at the subsurface scan and tried to discern what sort of fossil I was looking at, but the formation seemed to speak for itself. "What the hell," I said, looking over the scan one more time just to be sure. "I think you mean to say what the heaven?" chimed Santos, a smirk spreading quickly across his face.
"How far down did you find this?" I asked, holding up the glossy printout and flipping through the report. I looked for a summary sheet, something, anything to help make some sense of it.
"Not far," said Santos, "but looking at the geology around the site, long before we had opposable thumbs." He stepped away, retrieving his uplink. "Digame," he said, speaking to an orbit

Latest Version:
I stared at the subsurface scan as though it were some abstract work of art, twisting it this way and that. I kept trying to turn the image into something easier to swallow, but the formation seemed to speak for itself. "What the hell," I said, looking over the scan one more time just to be sure. "Don't you mean to say, 'what the heaven,'" laughed Santos, a smirk spreading quickly across his face.
Holding up the glossy printout and flipping through the report, I looked for a summary sheet. Anything to help make some sense of it. "How far down did you find this?" I asked.
But Santos was on his uplink again, trying to sort the anomaly out. “Digame,” he said, speaking to one of the sat operators. I went back to the photo while

Ok I sat version 1 down with version 2, had a little convo and tried to get them to reconcile their differences.

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 09, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 10, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 11, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 12, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 12, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 13, 2008).]
 

quote:

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I stared at the subsurface scan and tried to discern what sort of fossil I was looking at, but the formation seemed to speak for itself.[[This is a little wordy--as if it were written for a second person account while in fact the narration is in the first. ]] "What the hell," I said, looking over the scan one more time just to be sure. "I think you mean to say what the heaven?" chimed Santos, a smirk spreading quickly across his face.
"How far down did you find this?" I asked, holding up the glossy printout and flipping through the report. I looked for a summary sheet, something, anything to help make some sense of it.
"Not far," said Santos, "but looking at the geology around the site, long before we had opposable thumbs." [[[i]The characters don't seem to delve deep enough into there own profession[i]]]He stepped away, retrieving his uplink. "Digame," he said, speaking to an orbit excavator.
I went back to the photo, looking it up and down. It looked like an archaeopteryx, that sphinx of the Cretacious period that put wild speculation to work. This photo, however, seemed to suggest an entirely new link in the chain of creation.

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Overall this was pretty interesting. It sets up a scene which interests me. As I mentioned the characters seemed a little flat. They could use a more paleologist shell to make them more convincing. Hope this helps. I would offer to read but this is a rare hour of the internet for me and I don't know when I will be able to get on again.
 

just a few things I think you could change to take it to the next level.

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I stared at the subsurface scan and tried to discern what sort of fossil I was looking at, but the formation seemed to speak for itself.
"What the hell," I said, looking over the scan one more time just to be sure. (np for someone else talking)
"I think you mean to say what the heaven?" (this isn't really a question the way it is formed. I would suggest starting "Don't you mean 'what in heaven'?" or maybe just loose the '?') chimed (not feeling the word "chimed") Santos, a smirk spreading quickly across his face.
"How far down did you find this?" I asked, holding up the glossy printout and flipping through the report. (by this point I start to notice alot of action tacked onto the dialogue after a comma. this starts to get redundant quickly, maybe switch it up? e.g ""How far down did you find this?" I held up the glossy printout and flipped through the report.") I looked for a summary sheet, something, anything to help make some sense of it.
"Not far," said Santos, "but looking at the geology around the site, long before we had opposable thumbs." He stepped away, retrieving his uplink. "Digame," he said, speaking to an orbit

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nicely written, these are just suggestions on how i think it would work better.

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 10, 2008).]
 

It was an episode of the television show The Simpsons where Lisa uncovered the fossil of an angel while on a school archeological excursion. It turned out to be a scam by the local shopping mall or something (been a while since I've seen it).

The idea seemed familiar to me at the time as well, so there very well may have been a published story about it. Still, there's no new stories under the sun, just new treatments, so don't let it stop you.

Nick
 

Maybe say, "I started at the subsurface scan like it was an abstract work of art."

Otherwise, I read it as HE is the abstract work of art.
 

1) you don't need either laughed or chimed - you can just use 'said', because chimed kind of implies agreement, and laughed is implied by the word 'smirked'. They're not agreeing in the first bit, and in the second, it's just redundant.

2) when your characters are talking - "how far down?"
"Not far, but . . . long before we had opposable thumbs."
Those two qualifiers, far and long, don't match. It should either be "how old and how deep?" "Not deep, but . . . older than opposable thumbs." or something. I don't know if I explained that really well, but it's like saying, "would you like an apple?" and the person responds, "I only eat venison with celery." If anybody would like to jump in and de-bumble my explanation, I'd be grateful. (Mumbles16 probably would, too.)