Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Million Histories

This is topic A Million Histories in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Mumbles16 (Member # 8196) on :

Just so you don't get confused this is an epistolary story, and I'm including the headline just so you don't get lost, I don't think it counts as my 13 lines, but if it does then I'm sorry ><

To: General John Beckett, Director of Special Projects in Physics Manipulation
Of: Ophelia Defense Initiative
Log: 01200 9/26/3125

There was a time, Mr. Beckett, when a man could look up at the sky and wonder. When stars were immortal and possibilities were infinite. When the oceans flowed into the horizon, meeting their destiny in a collision of fiery oblivion. I am not suggesting that in such a time men were free from fear. No doubt, to understand so little would cause one to feel quite small. But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. When one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization. A time of constant endeavor, exploration and innovation. It was beautiful, I have always said so. I earnestly believe Rousseau had it right.

Alternate:
If you were to delve into your history Mr. Beckett, you may find that many have attempted to direct your kind towards our existence. Unfortunately, in man’s inability to pass on direct memories, such people as we chose to carry our messages were labeled crazy, absurd, insane and unwanted. At best they were ignored and at worst they left a legacy. In the wake of our interventions came religions, movements, cults, and frequently enough bloodshed to fill an ocean. The convolutions changed our world as much as yours Mr. Beckett and in feeling responsible for the forfeit of lives, we have ceased our attempts to make contact until the last available opportunity. For this reason I write to you now, to make my kind known, and to tell you why I’m going to do what I’m going to do.

The beginning is somewhat interchangeable, I still think I prefer the former, but this paragraph may have more of a hook to it. I'm wondering which to use in sending it to the publisher though.

[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 15, 2008).]

Posted by Mumbles16 (Member # 8196) on :

bump

Posted by SolarStone (Member # 3524) on :

I can't say anything because this doesn't tell me anything. I have no idea what this is about.

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

I'm afraid I have to agree with SolarStone. The language is pretty, but nothing happens. And if this is an e-mail message of some sort, it's quite flowery for one, like the sender was writing for future generations instead of for one recipient.

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I like it - I would guess this isnt the beginning of the story so much as a prolgue (yes no?).

I think it works, I would keep reading. The writing is better than "flowery" because it is coherent. When I think flowery I think "over-the-top trying to dazzle with words." You seem to be building up to some point and I would guess that it would be made before the end of the page, if not in the next few sentences.

One problem I had. The second last sentence "It was beautiful" what is IT? civilization? the Time? if it is the time, i would say "it was a beautiful time, era, etc.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Yeah, waxing a bit too philosophical for my taste. And it's opening with a cliched thought, that humans used to be different thousands of years ago. Of course humans were different thousands of years ago.

Posted by Mumbles16 (Member # 8196) on :

I provided an alternate intro. I still prefer the first but I'm wondering if I should use the second because it has more of a hook, especially If I'm submitting it. Your ideas are appreciated as always

-- mumbles

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

Second one confuses me. Who are people like you? your people, my people, I need some kind of reference to distinguish what is being talked about. Are these to different species talking to eachother? different clans? different families? Above grounders vs. undergrounders.

I guess the problem is that these characters know what they are talking about, while me as an observer am lost.

Posted by Mumbles16 (Member # 8196) on :

So I guess my question dev, does that lack of knowing "you people and my people" does that make you want to read on or put the book down. And if it makes you want to read on does it get your interest more effectively than the first 13?

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

nope! i liked the first 13 better. (deja vu). It might not be hooky, but it is well written and I know your getting to a point. Like I said, the point must be coming in the next couple of sentences or I won't keep reading. But the first 13 are fluid enough that I could read more lines without noticing it was longer.

For the most point I don't like to be left in the dark when the character I am following knows something - I need to know what he knows - and it doesnt make me want to read on.

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 15, 2008).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

The first version is far and away the better of the two, in my opinion. I love your writing style and I would keep reading because of it.

"But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. When one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization."

I am by no means an expert on grammar, but my initial impression is that this might read better in one of the following, slightly altered forms:

But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation, when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization.

or...

But in a way, it was a time of supreme liberation. A time when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization

Also, I think the line "when one could only traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization" perhaps needs a little more explanation. I'm not quite sure what you're going for here, but maybe something like "when one could only dream of traversing to that glorious peak we have come to call civilization" or "when one could traverse up that glorious peak we have come to call civilization, but never attain it." These are generic examples, but I'm sure you get the idea. If I've missed the point of this sentence entirely, I apologize.

Just one man's thoughts and opinions. Maybe they can help you out a little bit. Best regards,

Brant

Posted by Mumbles16 (Member # 8196) on :

Thank you all, the input is exceptionally helpful! I have a good feeling about this story it should be pretty neat, can't wait to get that first rejection letter =P

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I liked the first version, too. My one suggestion, as a veteran of many memos, is that it would be reasonable to start the body of the memo with something that refers to the conversation they've been having (which I inferred they'd been having, because the writer just breezes right into major yack mode about things you wouldn't normally see in a memo). So if you started like I would usually start a memo that was part of an ongoing conversation, like "Replying to your memo of last tuesday on the subject of . . . ), maybe it would help frame the text up a little bit. Which would deconfuse some of us.