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First version:
It didn’t look like a lake of gold, but John Briggs had never seen one before and so was reserving judgment.
Beside him, Harper and Roberts clicked on heavy-duty flashlights, adding to the glow from their helmet lamps. Under the yellow beams, the water looked luminescent and mirrored the stalactite fingers above.
Briggs’ companions stood and waited for instructions.
“Check it,” Briggs said.
So Roberts pounded a bolt into the cavern wall and hooked it to a device that would control the release of their rope. She latched the other end of the rope to the harness at Harper’s waist, puffy from his fleece body suit, and yanked to make sure it would hold.
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Revised version:
It didn't look like a lake of gold, but John Briggs had never seen one before and so was reserving judgment. But if it were the lake of legend, it would mean an end to the nights spent staring at the popcorn ceiling and to the sick twist in his gut that had been a companion for years.
It would mean he could finally buy back his soul.
Beside him, Harper and Roberts clicked on heavy-duty flashlights, adding to the glow from their helmet lamps. They stood on a precipice shaped like a half-moon that dropped to the water a few yards out. The lake itself looked luminescent under their lights and mirrored the stalactite fingers above.
"Check it," Briggs said.
[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited September 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited September 15, 2008).]
quote:
Briggs’ companions stood and waited for instructions.
Strunk and White recommend the adding of an 'S to any noun, no matter what it ends with, to create a possessive.
e.g Briggs's companions
They state that this is easier for the reader, and the norm for fiction.
>So Roberts pounded a bolt...
You don't need so.
>...hooked it to a device that would control the release of their rope
Can't you find or make a better term? A descent controller? A descender? A descent brake? A friction brake.
>puffy from his fleece body suit
This reads wrong--like it is jammed in there. Is the harness puffy? Or the rope?
Are they above the lake on ledge? I am not certain of the geography of where they are standing to understand why they need to use a rope to check the lake.
Otherwise the prose is good. Mild hook regarding the lake of gold...but mild is usually nice enough for 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 15, 2008).]
It didn’t look like a lake of gold, but John Briggs had never seen one before and so was reserving judgment.
Beside him, Harper and Roberts clicked on heavy-duty flashlights, adding to the glow from their helmet lamps. Under the yellow beams, the water looked luminescent and mirrored the stalactite fingers above.
Briggs’ companions stood and waited for instructions. Don't think you need this. It's kind of obvious, since you've just shown us that they were standing around waiting.
“Check it,” Briggs said.
So The inclusion of "so" almost makes it sound as if you've slipped POV to Roberts's POVRoberts pounded a bolt into the cavern wall and hooked it to a device that would control the release of their rope. She latched the other end of the rope to the harness at Harper’s waist, puffy from his fleece body suit, and yanked to make sure it would hold.
"Under the yellow beams, the water looked luminescent and mirrored the stalactite fingers above."
I was thinking fingerlike stalactites might work better here, unless the cave is alive, but I realize those two words sound kind of funny together. Maybe something more in this vein though, but then again, maybe not.
Just a few random thoughts from an amateur. Good start. I'm interested to find out what the lake of gold is. Best regards,
Brant