Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bombing Lost Worlds -- 500+ words

This is topic Bombing Lost Worlds -- 500+ words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

I'm from the abandoned city of Civva. The myth of lost worlds is that they stay standing just as they were at their demise. Makes for cool digital art. My life is a testament that what wasn't broken gets used until it becomes the dust that buries the rest of the pieces, by those who didn't know better than to leave.

I was conceived in a grounded elevator, where privacy was ensured by the inside-only manual door crank. The building was a hive of Lirda cousins, aunts, grandparents and the elevator had been standing half-open as cool storage for years before that. I wish I could have met the man with that sense of humor, because it couldn't have been my mother's idea. She was the Lirda in the union.

***

Looking for sharp critique on whether or not the whole stands alone, is something marketable. It's a more philosophical piece than anything, but I'm not sure if it's worth sending around.

Of course, there's probably also word-fat that could be trimmed. Let me know if you want to look at the whole, and any contributions on the opening are of course welcome.

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited September 17, 2008).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I really like it, Arachneweave. I didn't entirely get what "the man with that sense of humor" referred back to. the inside only hand crank?

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I like the tone of this. Good job. Some thoughts:

I'm from the abandoned city of Civva.Was he born there before or after it was abandoned? We can't tell from this sentence. You could say "now-abandoned", but that might ruin the flow.

The myth of lost worlds is that they stand just as the golden days ended in them. I get what you're saying here, but it could be clearer with some extra words (which I rarely recommend). Something like: "The myth of lost worlds is that we see them preserved, somehow encased in amber for posterity the moment their golden days ended." You can do better, just a thought.

Makes for cool digital art. My life is a testament that what wasn't broken gets used until it becomes the dust that buries the rest of the pieces, by those who didn't know better than to leave.nice

I was conceived in a grounded elevator, where privacy was ensured by the inside-only manual door crank.

The building was a hive of Lirdas,Since you don't give me a hint about what a "Lirda" is, I assume it doesn't matter. You mention it again though, so maybe it's important...

and the elevator had been standing half-open as cool storage for years before that. I wish I could have met the man with that sense of humor, Sense of humor? For choosing to do it in an elevator? I don't get the joke.

because it couldn't have been my mother's idea. She was the Lirda in the union.

Send it on. I will read.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 17, 2008).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Good start. I'm interested in the implications of the elevator's cold storage; if maybe it had a strange physical effect upon the character. I'm also intrigued as to what the Lirdas are, and my gut feeling was that I wanted to know exactly what they were right away. I realize you may be holding off on this for a literary or stylistic reason, though. If not, and if they're interesting enough, they might make for a good hook. Just a thought.

"The myth of lost worlds is that they stand just as the golden days ended in them."

I have to agree with alliedfive that this somehow doesn't ring right. I think it's fine up until the word stand, and then it gets awkward.

Just a few ideas I had. Maybe they can help you out.

Best regards,

Brant

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

maybe it's just an arrangement issue.

The myth we believe about lost worlds is that they stand?

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Well, I fiddled with those things.

Lirda is just a clan name--so I tried to clear that up. I shoulda paid attention when I thought it sounded a bit too much like a creature-name, I guess!

Thanks!

Posted by cjpatrick (Member # 8225) on :

"The myth of lost worlds is that they stay standing just as they were at their demise."

I think the problem in this sentence is the "is that they" section. That part gets a little choppy and my mental tongue becomes a little tied up. It may be that there are too many monosyllabic words in the sentence.
"The Myth is that lost worlds stay standing as they were at their demise..."
Maybe that doesn't work so well, but see if there is a way to get rid of the "is that."

However, I am intrigued, keep it up.
-Cory

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Thanks for looking at this! If you want to read the whole thing I'll let you... *g*

"The myth about lost worlds is in the idea that they stay standing, just as they were."

Does that work?