Okay, here is the first 13. Some of you seemed to like the first version and this is only slightly different. The draft is complete now and I'm looking for readers.
Thanks for your time.
quote:“So,” Randy shouted over the pulsating music. “What do you think?”
“You were right, man. This is amazing.” We stood on the second floor balcony of the Number Five club, an underground hive of nearly naked dancers. Even Randy’s liberal description hadn’t prepared me for the writhing sea of sweat soaked flesh.
Muscled lizard-men with toothy grins stood near the exits and wandered among the oblivious dancers below. On some level I knew these were just ordinary security personnel dressed up by the virus in my head, but they looked terrifying.
Lights and fireworks erupted in overhead, showering everyone and I felt a euphoric wave wash over me as the virus cranked up the dopamine levels of everyone in the club. A rainbow colored dragon floated high above, beating its wings to the thump of the bass
~Anthony
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Anthony,
Send it through.
Nick
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
Thanks Nick, just saw your response. I'll send it later this morning when I get access to the machine its on.
Also, KDW, if you wanna change the title to this thread, I renamed the story to Club No. 5 so the title should read:
Sci-Fi, Club No. 5, 2600 Words
Thanks!
Anthony
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Anthony,
Bedtime here, so I won't get to look at it for a while anyway.
Cheers,
Nick
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
The hook is a gentle one for me, but enough for a short story. I'd be happy to read, if you like. Just send it along!
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
Sent to Nick and Annepin.
Thanks for reading!
~Anthony
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Great start. Hooks galore.
"Lights and fireworks erupted in overhead."
Either "in the air" is missing here, or the word "in" is misplaced.
I'm not a grammar expert, so someone please correct me if the following suggestions are wrong:
showering everyone needs a comma after it
I think rainbow colored and second floor both need dashes and should read as rainbow-colored and second-floor
Hope this helps. This piece is extremely intriguing so far.
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
quote:"Lights and fireworks erupted in overhead."
Either "in the air" is missing here, or the word "in" is misplaced.
In the original draft this said 'in the air' the word 'in' is a hold over from that and should be cut. Nice catch.
quote:I think rainbow colored and second floor both need dashes and should read as rainbow-colored and second-floor
I agree.
quote: Hope this helps. This piece is extremely intriguing so far.
Does that mean you are interested in reading the full MS?
Thanks!
~Anthony
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
I'll read yours if you'll read mine! Yeah, send it on over and I'll see if I can help you out with anything. I need someone to go over Cycle of the Abyss for me, so if you're interested that'd be great. If not, though, that's cool. Go ahead and beam yours over any time and I'll take a look at it. Best regards,
I just noticed your word count is 2600 and mine's 7400, so I'll understand if you decide to pass on mine, but I'll still definitely take a look at yours. If you want to read Cycle of the Abyss I'd be glad to read another of your stories to balance it out. Talk to you later.
Brant
Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :
I don't mind reading yours. It will be a few days before I can get to it though. I have atleast two crits ahead of yours and one is 10k words.
I'll send mine right over.
~Anthony
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
OK, cool. I'm still refining mine anyways, so given your schedule, I'll wait and send it on Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully it will be even better by than with the extra tweaks. I should have yours critiqued by Monday. Best regards,