Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bones Included

This is topic Bones Included in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Talimar1 (Member # 6937) on :

Here is the beginning of a short story that I wrote while revising my other one. I have no plan for it right now but I want to know what you all think of the current opening. Thanks for reading and let the nitpicking begin!

The man sitting chained before me, oh how I pity him. Coming from the business world, he probably thinks dog eat dog only applies to ruthless competition. Well, here in the Lycanthropic Underground, dog eat dog is literal. One wrong word from him and I will slowly shred him to pieces.

"Look, all I wanted to know was if the rumors are true. I didn't want in this deep. Now you hold me captive and all I can think about is blood. I want out. Please! Let me out!"

The yellowish glow coming from his eyes is a satisfying signal. Yes, this one will be good. The best tasting flesh is that of a werewolf in the process of transforming for the first time. You get the best of both worlds, the tenderness of human flesh with the smoky-sweet taste of werewolf flesh.

(edit to tell how werewolf meat tastes.)

[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited September 20, 2008).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

The concept of a Lycanthropic Underground, as well as the best tasting flesh of a werewolf in the process of transforming for the first time, are two great hooks and I would definitely read on.

I can't think of anything else to comment on, so it looks, at least to me, like this one's pretty smooth and good to go. Keep up the good work.

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 20, 2008).]

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

I agree with Brant Danay about the hooks.

However, the dialogue is just an info dump.

The craft is a little clunky.
Since this is in the first person, you don't need phrases like "I looked."

This sentence is weak:

quote:
One wrong word by him and he will be shredded to pieces.

Change it to "...and I will shred him to pieces," or something like that (obviously come up with something a little more artful).
The tense jumps around a little. "He thinks"
Describe the tastes for me. Give me real details, and I'll be drawn into the story more. "Wonderful" just isn't cutting it.

Posted by Talimar1 (Member # 6937) on :

I have done some revision on the first 13 lines. tell me what you think.